21 April 2009 @ 09:48 pm
Why Aren't People Commenting on My Post/Story/Whatever?  
Sometimes you may say to yourself: all these people have me friended. And yet I posted a story (or a link, or four extremely compelling pictures of my cat, including one where she almost had a ribbon on her head) and many of them have not commented! You may wonder why. You may even be downcast in your wonderment and confusion.

Well, wonder no longer! I have been doing some careful research on this very topic, and I have all the answers.
  • 15% of the people who have you friended have since left for greener fannish pastures, or perhaps for somewhere outside of fandom altogether (it's sad, but it happens; fannish scientists are working round the clock to discover a cure, except for the four hours they spent reading that Jack Harkness/Brian O'Conner epic last night). They no longer read your fandom-related posts. (Or, alternately, it's cats they don't like. My point is: whatever you posted doesn't interest them.)

  • 15% were planning to get back to that post later. It's open! It's in a tab! Or it's in Read Later! Just...wow, busy, you know how it is. (Of course, if you're counting every comment and comparing it to a master list, maybe you don't know how it is. In that case you'll just have to trust me.)

  • 10% of the people who have you friended think you're boring. (Sorry! Sometimes science means having to say the hard truths.) They scroll past you, or they filter you. Or maybe they think everyone they have friended is boring, and they don't read their friends list at all; their friending is just a social nicety. It would probably be better if you believed that last one. Yeah, this segment is the one we'll call "social niceties."

  • 10% of the people who have you friended weren't reading the day you posted. Someone had horrible news and came home and went straight to bed with a dog and a hot water bottle. Someone has food poisoning and is puking too much to go near her computer. Someone is addicted to a flash game and can't click away until she beats level 77. Someone is in the South Pacific having a lot more fantastic sex than you ever have or ever will; she isn't thinking about you or fandom right now. (Okay, she's thinking, "I have to use that the next time I write Merlin/Arthur, or John/Rodney, or Bertie/Jeeves - ooo, yeah, Jeeves is probably mega-kinky." But she's not missing her friends list, is my point.)

  • 10% only read you on a phone, or a netbook or internet tablet that's impossible to type on, or a Kindle, or in five minute snatches at work or between dragging kids to soccer or whatever. They love you, but they never do manage to get back to comment.

  • 10% of the people who read you only lurk. They lurk everywhere. Maybe they can't type. Maybe they have tentacles and can't find a tentacle-ready keyboard. You don't know. And do you really want to risk displaying your prejudice against the betentacled?

  • 5% of the people who read you are still pissed off about the comment you didn't reply to. You know the one. (You reply to every single comment you get, you say? Even the ones obviously from bots? Even the ones LJ forgets to notify you about? In that case, these people are sulking about an inadequate response you left them, where you missed the point or missed the question or failed to thank them or sounded snarky. You can't please everyone. Not even with an incredible facility at hitting "Reply.")

  • 5% of the people who read you are still pissed off about that post you made. You know the one.

  • 5% of the people who read you are pissed off that you didn't comment on one of their important posts. They're withholding sex - sorry, I meant comments - until you understand how important they are, and maybe send some flowers or something.

  • 5% of the people who read you have broken internet connections right now. Fucking Comcast.

  • 1% of the people who read you hurt their hands this morning.

  • 1% of the people who read you currently have a broken spacebar.

  • 1% of the people who read you are heavily medicated. Their loved ones have taken away their keyboards for everyone's safety.

  • 1% of the people who read you are seriously undermedicated. Their loved ones have taken away their keyboards so they still have friends when the meds kick back in.

  • 1% of the people who read you read you in bed, and a loved one has threatened to take away the keyboard if they type at night anymore.

  • 1% of the people who read you are sockpuppets. They're only going to comment if they want sparkle pens.

  • 1% of the people who read you are, in fact, commenting, but they're doing so by telepathy. If you're not getting the comments, well, obviously something is wrong with you. They can't be held responsible for that.

  • 1% of the people who read you are aliens. They can't ever pass the prove-you're-human test, and for some reason they get the CAPTCHA every time. They are thinking of filing a lawsuit against LJ.

  • 1% of the people who read you cannot comment for religious reasons.

  • 1% of the people who read you haven't figured out that you have to hit the "Post comment" button in order to get the comment posted. They keep typing like it's an IM box, and nothing ever shows up, and they just do not know why. They've submitted several complaints to Support about this. (It's possible you didn't want to read their comments anyway.)
But wait, you say! That's everyone!

You're right. It is. So, hey, if you get any comments at all, you have beaten the odds. You must be really awesome and special. Can I friend you?

(P.S. I don't comment a lot, but I'm probably reading. And I'll repeat what I said in my info: I love all the comments I get, except the ones from the spambots who are cordially invited to DIE DIE DIE, but no one ever should feel obligated to comment here. I get the lurking, I really do.)
Tags: [meta], [rant]
 
 
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( 484 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
tried to eat the safe banana: I sleep with computers.thefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 05:20 am (UTC)
You are added! And I would love to hear the story, but I'm guessing it's the kind of thing you'd really rather not go over again. Are hugs in order?
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 06:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 08:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ladyelleth on April 23rd, 2009 08:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
changing poll answers - elfy on May 3rd, 2009 09:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
par avion: applausepar_avion on April 22nd, 2009 05:08 am (UTC)
Hee! This totally deserves a comment for making me laugh. :)
tried to eat the safe banana: Smilethefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 05:21 am (UTC)
If it made you smile, it was totally worth posting. (Yes, I wondered if I should bother.) Yay for there being humor in the situation!
(no subject) - dormouse_in_tea on April 22nd, 2009 12:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - loriel_eris on April 22nd, 2009 01:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - dormouse_in_tea on April 22nd, 2009 01:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Abyssis: Farscape - John and Chiana leave the stoabyssinia4077 on April 22nd, 2009 05:10 am (UTC)
1% of the people who read you are aliens. They can't ever pass the prove-you're-human test, and for some reason they get the CAPTCHA every time. They are thinking of filing a lawsuit against LJ.

*delurking enough to say WIN!*
tried to eat the safe banana: Huh - Mutant Blue Thingthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 05:22 am (UTC)
Thank you! (And I fail enough at the prove-you're-human test that I am seriously questioning my humanity these days. I can't even imagine how traumatic it would be for a real alien.)
(no subject) - abyssinia4077 on April 22nd, 2009 05:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ariadne83 on April 23rd, 2009 02:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
Marna Nightingalecommodorified on April 22nd, 2009 05:10 am (UTC)
But you ARE really awesome and special!
tried to eat the safe banana: Happypigthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 05:26 am (UTC)
Thank you! You know how to turn a lady's head with a compliment, there. *blushes*
The Girl that Blocked her own Shotquatre_k on April 22nd, 2009 05:11 am (UTC)
Lol so after you telling me it's ok not to comment I feel compelled to comment. You Pretty much nailed it on the head
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV bluethefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 05:43 am (UTC)
I'd like to claim that was my secret plan, but in fact I am never that intricate.

And thank you!
chrissie_mchrissie_m on April 22nd, 2009 05:14 am (UTC)
Sadly, I HAD to add to make sure you made it to 100% before I could actually finish reading the content. I was compelled! I hate learning things like that about myself.
vito_excalibur on April 22nd, 2009 05:23 am (UTC)
I am so relieved.

I did the same thing!
(no subject) - terriaminute on April 22nd, 2009 11:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 04:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(here from metafandom) - fred_mouse on April 24th, 2009 04:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - druidspell on April 23rd, 2009 02:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - chrissie_m on April 23rd, 2009 05:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ariadne83 on April 23rd, 2009 02:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on April 28th, 2009 05:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
The sanest lunatic you've ever met: firefly: Hee!sdwolfpup on April 22nd, 2009 05:14 am (UTC)
tried to eat the safe banana: Cute but poutythefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 05:43 am (UTC)
<3 <3 <3 <3! <-*is low-tech but still loving*
(no subject) - treewishes on May 4th, 2009 12:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Cesarealmostnever on April 22nd, 2009 05:15 am (UTC)
;-)
LOL good story LOL
tried to eat the safe banana: SGA Ronon smilethefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 05:44 am (UTC)
Re: ;-)
*snerk*
Re: ;-) - such_heights on April 22nd, 2009 05:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
xjestx on April 22nd, 2009 05:18 am (UTC)
Hee! This should be included linked to by livejournal FAQ.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV dogtagsthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 05:44 am (UTC)
But I am not sure my research is applicable outside of fandom. Obviously, LJ needs to give me a grant so I can expand my pilot study!
(no subject) - jemjabella on April 24th, 2009 10:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
winter_elf: McShep-Lovewinter_elf on April 22nd, 2009 05:20 am (UTC)
Can I have more glitter pens? My cats ate the other ones.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV flowersthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 05:45 am (UTC)
Why do I not have a glitter pen icon? SO MANY PEOPLE NEED GLITTER PENS.

*offers you symbolic glitter pen instead*
cryptocryptoxin on April 22nd, 2009 05:20 am (UTC)
You're making me think that fandom is ripe for a comments payola service scandal.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV glowythefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 05:46 am (UTC)
It is. Oh, it is. Perhaps we can plot it out together, and profit enormously before we are drummed out of fandom! (Or, better yet, find a third-party fall guy. This is like 50% of the key to successful plotting: finding someone to blame it on.)
(no subject) - cryptoxin on April 22nd, 2009 03:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
vito_excalibur on April 22nd, 2009 05:22 am (UTC)
Wait, but so - which one are you? I know you're not an alien, because you have an earthling!
par avionpar_avion on April 22nd, 2009 05:33 am (UTC)
Well, the earthing was born on earth, and is therefore an earthling. TFV may have been born somewhere else!
(no subject) - thefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 05:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - adina_atl on April 22nd, 2009 03:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
the world's most huggable supervillain: jared made of awesomezabira on April 22nd, 2009 05:26 am (UTC)
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV lettersthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 05:48 am (UTC)
<3 <3 <3!
full of medium-sized evilaidara on April 22nd, 2009 05:27 am (UTC)
Ahahaha, this is all so true.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV menorahthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 06:29 am (UTC)
I know it 'cause I live it. True fact.
Sidney Crosby is a gateway drug: ApprovalCatjamethiel_bane on April 22nd, 2009 05:27 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAHA! I am simultaneously trying to leave a comment in an open tab that I will get around to some day, I SWEAR, by telepathy with tentacles.
the DreamsEnder: TimeWalker of Atlantis: oh haiperspi on April 22nd, 2009 05:44 am (UTC)
OK, not only did this post make me laugh as well as several of the people I directed here, but this comment is awesome.
(no subject) - thefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 06:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - jamethiel_bane on April 22nd, 2009 06:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
Settiai: Liberty/Justice -- stoopbecksettiai on April 22nd, 2009 05:31 am (UTC)
Have I mentioned lately that I love you? ♥
tried to eat the safe banana: Happypigthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 06:33 am (UTC)
I love you, too!

<3 <3 <3
Pfützenhüpfer: heeeeeeeee!miscellanny on April 22nd, 2009 05:33 am (UTC)
*wants sparkle pens*
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV bluethefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 06:34 am (UTC)
I curse my lack of a sparkle pen icon! But, trust me, you will always be a sparkle-pen-recipient in my heart.
(no subject) - kerravonsen on April 24th, 2009 02:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
Karen: Octopusodditycollector on April 22nd, 2009 05:36 am (UTC)
Didn't we decide earlier that I was *your* sockpuppet*? So that makes this comment, what, a note to add glitter pens to the grocery list?

*or maybe you were mine. It is so hard to keep track.
tried to eat the safe banana: Writhesthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 06:35 am (UTC)
Oh my god. Your ICON. My love is real.

And, well, I am indeed your sockpuppet. But I understand that YOU are Betty's sockpuppet. Clearly, Betty has been deficient in the sparkle-pen-provision clause of the sockpuppet contract.

It's time for the rebellion. Rise up, my fellow socks! You have nothing to lose but your strings!
(no subject) - odditycollector on April 22nd, 2009 06:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
puckling: Arthur/Merlin = SQUEEE!puckling on April 22nd, 2009 05:38 am (UTC)
I can has sparkle pen?

Okay, she's thinking, "I have to use that the next time I write Merlin/Arthur, or John/Rodney, or Bertie/Jeeves - ooo, yeah, Jeeves is probably mega-kinky." But she's not missing her friends list, is my point.

Indeed.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV brownthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 06:36 am (UTC)
You can indeed have sparkle pens!

*distributes widely*

Indeed.

I mean, the friends list is awesome and all. But there are times when they aren't FIRST in your mind.
brillebrille on April 22nd, 2009 05:41 am (UTC)
emerging briefly to say thank you for this, it is hilarious!
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV dogtagsthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 06:37 am (UTC)
You are entirely welcome, and thank you for emerging! *hugs you while you're available*
je suis marxiste, tendance Groucho: sga sheppard dorkyshinealightonme on April 22nd, 2009 05:41 am (UTC)
I would comment to say how awesome this is, but I hurt my telepathy this morning.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV flowersthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 06:37 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry. Take two aspirin and read my mind in the morning.
Mal: rayk glasses & grin by karaboumalnpudl on April 22nd, 2009 05:44 am (UTC)
You are made of win and all kinds of shiny things. Shiny things that sparkle. So is this post.

Edited at 2009-04-22 05:44 am (UTC)
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV glowythefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 06:38 am (UTC)
You are likewise awesome and shiny, even if I hardly ever manage to comment to tell you so!

Let us form a mutual sparkling society! (I give it five minutes before it's mostly Twilight fans.)
Nickyobsessive24 on April 22nd, 2009 05:45 am (UTC)
ahahah I love this. Awesome analysis.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV Katamari Damacythefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 06:39 am (UTC)
I have done serious scientific studying of this problem, for I am a serious scientist! *dons white coat and whips out the SPSS*
(no subject) - lknomad on April 24th, 2009 04:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
Still Waiting For My Jetpack: tiny toons (snakey go down the hole)azewewish on April 22nd, 2009 05:48 am (UTC)
This isn't me. I'm not actually commenting. I have this post in an open tab that I'll get to, I swear, as soon as I'm done having awesome sex that I'll later on put in my Next Epic Gay Lotrips Fic. But I will, I mean. Comment, that is. If Firefox doesn't crash & take my tabs with it. Evil Firefox.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV lettersthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 04:46 pm (UTC)
*appreciates the comment from Totally-Not-azewewish*

(But wait! Firefox SAVES TABS! This is 90% of why I use it, because I tend to have loooooooots of tabs open at any one time. Like, 400. My shame is real.)
(no subject) - azewewish on April 22nd, 2009 04:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
citizen tipuapplegnat on April 22nd, 2009 05:53 am (UTC)
BWAHAHAHA. Win.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV menorahthefourthvine on April 22nd, 2009 04:46 pm (UTC)
*g* Thank you!
( 484 comments — Leave a comment )
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