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05 January 2010 @ 07:15 pm
200: A Single Sentence'll Sell You  
The One in Which We Learn That You Can't Give the Dead Too Much Artistic License. Especially If the Dead Person's Name Is Bob Fraser. Pornography, by [personal profile] china_shop. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski.

Benton Fraser has porn. I just want to repeat that, because I think it's a brilliant concept that deserves far more attention than it is currently getting: Benton Fraser has porn. Yes, this story is just as good as it sounds like it must be.

But there is a down side to it, and it is this: after reading it, I could not stop imagining the porn collections of other fannish favorites. Rodney McKay likely has roughly a terabyte of porn, but really only uses three short clips and one still photo. He's just completist. Jim Kirk (Reboot) also has the terabyte of porn, but he's actually working his way through it - he jerks off to something new every time. It's all hot if you look at it the right way, you know? Batman's porn does not bear contemplation and is certainly not something I would ever want to see, so I am pleased and comforted to know that it is hidden somewhere no one will ever find it, and also it is designed to self-destruct if anyone besides Batman touches it. Clark Kent likes the underwear catalogs. He's never been able to bring himself to get turned on by anything more explicit; he's always afraid his mother will walk in. (Lex Luthor's porn, it goes without saying, is his extensive Clark Kent memorabilia collection.) Methos's porn is called his memory. Jack Harkness's porn is called everything in the world, because everything is hot. How can you put a plug in an outlet and not get turned on? And laundry! All those dirty clothes, shirts and pants and trousers all touching, writhing together: clearly the hottest thing ever.

Anyway. Obviously, if Fraser has porn, Kowalski has an interest. (And Thatcher has an issue. Turnbull has an issue, too, but it's with a faulty oven; I'm not entirely sure I want to contemplate Turnbull and porn. It's either going to be men dressed up like the Queen or - you know what, seriously, let's not go there.)

The One in Which We Learn That All Vulcans, Male and Female, Can Breastfeed, Which Is an Innovation I Support So Completely I Am Prepared to Do Illegal Genetic Experimentation to Make It Happen. A Beginner's Guide to Vulcan Sexual Practice, by [personal profile] thingswithwings. Star Trek Reboot, Jim Kirk/Spock.

There's a whole history of how this story came to be, but I'm not going to go into it here, because you don't really need to know it. You just need to know that this story is one of the more awesome explorations of kink I have ever read. The message I take away from it is: there's nothing either kinky or vanilla, but thinking makes it so. And when Jim Kirk (Reboot) is doing the thinking, you know it's going to come out (hee!) kinky, even if he has to oppose millennia of Vulcan culture to do it.

And can I just say that I love the idea of writing endless commentaries on commentaries on a list of Things Good Vulcans Don't Do? That's the concept here, and it made me want to take it to the logical conclusion, and imagine the lecture, um, circles (pits?) on Vulcan, with horrified thirteen-year-olds who are already traumatized from learning about Pon Farr being forced to present papers on and debate about things like the No Breathplay rule.

That's actually probably where the rumor that Vulcans only do it once every seven years comes from. It has nothing to do with Pon Farr, it's just, it takes the first fifty years or so of their mature lives to get over the trauma of having had to learn all the sex rules. (Because I've been watching TOS, and it's obvious to me that Spock has sex more often than One Upon a Pon Farr. He's married to Kirk! Kirk likes the sex! QED! And, no, I won't listen to counterarguments: the crazy shippiness knows no logic.)

The One in Which Morgana Punches Arthur. I Suggest Re-Reading That Part a Lot. It Never Fails to Cheer Me Up. Reciprocation, by [personal profile] astolat. Merlin, Arthur Pendragon/Merlin. (Okay, it just occurred to me - I can think of three major pairings involving a character with a single name: Kirk/Spock, Duncan/Methos, Arthur/Merlin. What's the fourth? It'd make a great recs set.)

I can tell you what I love about this story in one sentence: Arthur Pendragon is totally clueless. I mean, how could he not be? He is exactly the kind of guy who goes through life assuming that he is Just That Awesome, and yet he's decent enough to be horrified when he realizes there is a small (very small, of course, because he's Arthur Pendragon, who is, by definition, awesome) possibility he is not awesome enough.

(This is a rare intersection - stunned by own awesome x still a reasonably decent human being - and I'm not sure I can think of another character in fandom who lives there. Hell, I can only think of one person I've known in real life who does, although, sadly, I can think of many, many people who lived on just the first street. In my teen years, I slept with basically all of them, so it makes me especially happy to see one getting, you know, schooled, even in fiction.)

And Merlin - he is a reasonably decent human being who gets laid a lot, which is as he should be.

The funny thing, of course, is that Merlin could totally be Arthur times a million, because instead of princeliness, he has magic, and in other fandoms, he'd be all strutting around magicking people into worshipping his cock or whatever. (Deny it. He'd be like Jack Harkness with a magic wand - or, as I am sure Captain Harkness would insist I put it, Jack Harkness with a second magic wand.) ...And now I kind of want to read that AU, BUT. Let me soldier on with this rec.

This story is awesome, and it features these characters pretty much exactly as they are in my head, and also Merlin educating Arthur will never be less than totally appealing. Read now.

The One in Which We Learn That Draco Malfoy Is a Far Better Housekeeper than I Am. I Know. I May Not Recover from the Shame. Theft of Assets, Destruction of Property, by [personal profile] helenish. Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom/Draco Malfoy.

You know all those charts that show the various phases of the menstrual cycle with, like, drawings of the corpus luteum and stuff? That are so traumatizing when you're twelve? They should be labeled like this:
  • Ow, My Side Hurts (part of one day)1
  • Extremely Productive (eight days)
  • Days of Angst and Irritation (three days)
  • ALL THE CHOCOLATE IN THE WORLD (roughly four days)
  • For God's Sake, Let's Not Do That Again (one week)
  • Voluntary Total Amnesia about All This Crap (one week)
  • Ow, My Side Hurts (part of one day)
And so on. If they'd only posted that chart in health class, I guarantee you I would have written it in my notes, rather than the song lyrics I chose to immortalize. (I bet they were something about standing in the rain. Because of pain. I was predictable that way.)

Anyway. I try hard to save [personal profile] helenish's stories for my Days of Angst and Irritation, because they so perfectly match what I crave at that point. Things start off badly! There is miscommunication! Hurtful things are said! And then everything gets cleared up and there is True Love Forever! And all of this is wrapped in a layer of awesome so thick you want to eat it with a spoon.

But this story - this story is even better than that, because it features Draco forced to marry Neville for deflowering him, which is one of those concepts that shouldn't work at all (or be a total farce), but here it so, so works, and somehow it is just the crunchy awesome center of the awesome candy. Seriously. Read this. Especially if you're in the Days of Angst and Irritation. (I am not admitting anything in a manner admissible in a court of law here, I am just saying: I read this at exactly the right time, and there might have been tears. Possibly of joy, possibly of profound feeling. Who can say? But if there were tears, they were entirely justified, is my point.)

-Footnote-

1 Yes, I know that traditionally the first day of the cycle is the first day of your period. Of course I know that; how do you think I got the earthling? But I have considered Ow, My Side Hurts to be the start of it all since the day in my high school drama class when Mari announced she was ovulating, and all the guys reacted like she was giving birth to a tiger, and I learned that my mother had not lied: menstruation really was powerful and magical. Just, she failed to mention the magical power in question was to make boys writhe in horror.
 
 
 
giandujakissgiandujakiss on January 6th, 2010 03:51 am (UTC)
Spock technically has a last name. Humans can't pronounce it.

Angel/Spike.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV bluethefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:02 am (UTC)
SPOCK COUNTS, DAMN IT. (Seriously, I will be in such trouble if I do a recs set and there's not a Kirk/Spock story in it. Best Beloved has been insisting that if I'm going to make her sit through TOS and the movies, I had damn well better rec some stories.)

But, ooo, Angel/Spike. That's a double! *awards you a prize*
X-parrot: ncis la pwpxparrot on January 6th, 2010 03:51 am (UTC)
Your description of chars' porn collections = AWESOME. Especially Jack Harkness. Laundry is so hot, yo!
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV brownthefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:08 am (UTC)
Laundry is TOTALLY hot.

(I suspect that Ianto and Jack, at some point, had a conversation in which Ianto disclosed - probably in a bulleted list, with helpful literature included and possibly a PowerPoint presentation - his own kinks, and then asked Jack his, and Jack got this hugely blank look on his face and said, "I have to choose?" And then he spent the rest of the day coming up to Ianto and adding five or ten more things to the list.

So eventually Ianto printed out a list from the internet and said, "I'll just consider all of these a definite yes, then, shall I?"

And Jack said, a little dreamily, "Oh, yeah, that's hot."

"Which one?"

"The internet. God, when I think of all those signals, touching and combining so people can create their own porn -"

And Ianto added another item to his Torchwood Rules List, which was, "Don't ask Captain Harkness about anything to do with sex. Just don't. You'll never look at Jaffa cakes the same way again.")
Imaginary Researcher: Rodney McKay & Radek Zelenka - zaneetashannahrorlove on January 6th, 2010 03:54 am (UTC)
In regards to the Star Trek story: Someone I know wrote a really good Spock/McCoy story exploring how Vulcans separated "sexual attraction" from "mating lust" that deals with Things Good Vulcans Do Not Do. You want the link?
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV dogtagsthefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:10 am (UTC)
YES PLEASE YES YES YES.
oddmonster: Miami Vice: We do it with cigarettes.oddmonster on January 6th, 2010 03:57 am (UTC)
(Okay, it just occurred to me - I can think of three major pairings involving a character with a single name: Kirk/Spock, Duncan/Methos, Arthur/Merlin. What's the fourth? It'd make a great recs set.)

Crockett/Tubbs.

:D
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV flowersthefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:10 am (UTC)
I have no idea who they are. *sadface*
(no subject) - marycrawford on January 6th, 2010 11:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
all right, so you're nonchalantrunpunkrun on January 6th, 2010 03:57 am (UTC)
Oh, Angel! Did we ever know his real name? And possibly Faith, though fandom scrounged up a last name for her somewhere.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV glowythefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:13 am (UTC)
Angel AND Spike, as giandujakiss pointed out. It's the vampire double feature!

(Faith is fanonically named Lehane, but I've never seen the canon reason for it. SHE COUNTS. Mostly because mmm, Faith. She should count for everything ever.)

*awards you gold star*
(no subject) - innocentsmith on January 6th, 2010 06:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - runpunkrun on January 6th, 2010 09:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - paceus on January 8th, 2010 02:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
London Clockworkpolaris_starz on January 6th, 2010 04:01 am (UTC)
(Okay, it just occurred to me - I can think of three major pairings involving a character with a single name: Kirk/Spock, Duncan/Methos, Arthur/Merlin. What's the fourth? It'd make a great recs set.)

Dean/Castiel is another one. Also, Aziraphale/Crowley.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV Katamari Damacythefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:18 am (UTC)
*awards you TWO gold stars for coming up with two pairings*

Wow. The thing is, I now have enough for, like, a double recs set. I sense a challenge! Which will probably not be fulfilled until I reach my 300th set, but still.
(no subject) - polaris_starz on January 6th, 2010 05:39 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:56 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - polaris_starz on January 6th, 2010 06:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
Ineketevere on January 6th, 2010 04:06 am (UTC)
A recs set that starts off with Fraser having a porn collection and ends with a discussion of the menstrual cycle can only be one thing: BRILLIANT.

(Hmm, I think I lack that eight days of productivity-- I just have eleven straight days of angst and irritation. WOE.)
tried to eat the safe banana: Reproductionthefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:22 am (UTC)
A recs set that starts off with Fraser having a porn collection and ends with a discussion of the menstrual cycle can only be one thing: BRILLIANT.

Far better than a recs set that starts off with Fraser having a menstrual cycle would be, for sure.

Hmm, I think I lack that eight days of productivity-- I just have eleven straight days of angst and irritation. WOE.

Woe indeed! I suggest you file a complaint with the United Nations Female Reproductive Cycle Fairness Committee, although in all honesty I should tell you that they've been together 11 years and are still reviewing their procedures manual. They don't expect to hear an actual complaint until 2091.
bleedtobluebleedtoblue on January 6th, 2010 04:06 am (UTC)
On the subject of the porn collections of various fictional characters: you have a delightfully disturbing turn of mind. And thanks for the rec.



Edited at 2010-01-06 04:08 am (UTC)
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV lettersthefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:23 am (UTC)
Can I blame china_shop for that one? She was the one who put it IN my mind, so really, I think the whole thing is on her. I am in no way responsible for my disturbing turn of mind!
(no subject) - geeklite on January 6th, 2010 06:35 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - china_shop on January 7th, 2010 12:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
Proactively Untwist Octagonal Hippopotamus Pants: doctor who - bomb freuddramaturgca on January 6th, 2010 04:21 am (UTC)
I am in those days. And I have a cold. WOE.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV menorahthefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:24 am (UTC)
Read the Harry Potter story! You will feel better!

And, really, a cold is NOT FAIR. *gives your rhinovirus a stern look*
(no subject) - dramaturgca on January 6th, 2010 05:28 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - dramaturgca on January 6th, 2010 05:52 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV umbrellathefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:26 am (UTC)
*snerk*

It doesn't count if you have a first name and just refuse to use it because you're afraid you might, I don't know, actually engage emotionally with another human being or something.

And, hey! Does canon say what kind of porn Mulder favors? *curious*
(Deleted comment)
Lu (Not Your Average Retelling)elucreh on January 6th, 2010 05:11 am (UTC)
I actually DO know one--ONE--human being who is stunned by own awesome x decent human being. But he didn't grow up SBOA, he sort of converted to it when he went from being the nice, shy, mildly geeky boy in high school to going on a mission for his church (where he shed the shy) and then attending a college where nice, religious boys are The Be All And End All of goals for 75% of the female students. It was an inflation to the ego, to say the very least.

He has the instincts and kindness of his childhood, and once he is married and out of his very unique circumstances I am sure he will stop being SBOA. I am willing to put up with him in the meantime.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV bluethefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 05:27 am (UTC)
He has the instincts and kindness of his childhood, and once he is married and out of his very unique circumstances I am sure he will stop being SBOA.

*crosses fingers*

Being stunned by your own awesome is a hard habit to break, but I am hoping the childhood influences win!
(no subject) - elucreh on January 6th, 2010 05:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
puckling: Blue Eyed Dracopuckling on January 6th, 2010 06:03 am (UTC)
Seriously. Read this.

I was having a pretty okay day before this, but that fic elevated it to a OH MY GOD I AM FULL OF LOVE FOR THE WHOLE WORLD AND ALSO FOOOOOOOOOOOOD mood. A well deployed kitchen/chef combo will always make me swoon.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV flowersthefourthvine on January 6th, 2010 06:32 am (UTC)
The FOOOOOOOOOD is viciously unfair, in my opinion. I usually read fan fiction while nursing the earthling, and it is NOT FAIR to make me so hungry when I cannot get any food!

And, really, there should be more stories in which characters cook lots and lots. (I realize this might sound slightly contradictory, but I contain multitudes!)
Nora Bombaynorabombay on January 6th, 2010 06:22 am (UTC)
I love this recs set like a loving loving thing. Really anything that starts with Benton Fraser and Pornography is a thing that cannot possibly ever go wrong.

tried to eat the safe banana: Fraserthefourthvine on January 7th, 2010 05:22 am (UTC)
Really anything that starts with Benton Fraser and Pornography is a thing that cannot possibly ever go wrong.

That is entirely my opinion on the matter; I read the first little bit of the story and was like, AN AWESOME IDEA WHOSE TIME HAS COME OMG GIMME. It's hard to see how anything bad could ever arise from Benton Fraser + porn! (Although, um, that makes it sound like I am advocating for him to star in some porn, and of course I am not. That would be wrong. Yes, wrong.)
can't find my drink or pants: kirk/spockgeeklite on January 6th, 2010 06:33 am (UTC)
it's obvious to me that Spock has sex more often than One Upon a Pon Farr. He's married to Kirk! Kirk likes the sex! QED! And, no, I won't listen to counterarguments: the crazy shippiness knows no logic.

It is not crazy shippiness, it is trufax!
tried to eat the safe banana: ST OMGthefourthvine on January 7th, 2010 05:23 am (UTC)
INDEED IT IS. INDEED IT IS. *believes*
Vanilla  ... Spiked with Slivovitz: too pretty to drive by beadslutjenna_thorn on January 6th, 2010 02:21 pm (UTC)
RE: Arthur: (This is a rare intersection - stunned by own awesome x still a reasonably decent human being - and I'm not sure I can think of another character in fandom who lives there.

I would argue Kirk. And also Rick Castle, though others will have to back me up, since I don't think you are following that fandom.

I would not put Duncan or Methos in that group, because Duncan's high handed morality pisses me off on occasion fairly regularly and part of Methos' charm is that he's really not reasonably decent.