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03 April 2010 @ 08:23 pm
Conscious Television. Or Something.  
A couple of times a month, Best Beloved, the earthling, and I will go out to breakfast at a locally renowned diner-ish place. It has a shelf by one of its windows where people can set out free literature: brochures, yes, and also the Skeeviest Postcards You Ever Did See, but mostly magazines and catalogs. These catalogs and magazines are divided into general categories:
  1. Gay: It's Not a Lifestyle, We Just Like Built, Pretty Men with Huge Cocks

  2. Marijuana: It's Not Even a Drug, It's Totally a Lifestyle, and If You Happen to Be Using Any, We Are Sure It's for Entirely Legal Medicinal Purposes That We Can Definitely Provide You with a List of, in Case You Accidentally Forgot What Those Purposes Were

  3. Whackmobile-o-rama: Now with a Free Ticket to Lemuria
The earthling loves this area, because the shelf is located maybe a foot off the floor, meaning he is free to browse through the publications and make selections that he carries to us. This is how we got my favorite ever "GLBT" magazine. I put "GLBT" in quotes, because in my experience, what that actually means is "We're only putting cisgendered gay men on the cover, and we're only writing about gay men and circuit parties and Dolce and Gabbana, but you LBT types are also welcome to read us. If you want to." My favorite "GLBT" magazine has, of course, a shirtless, six-packed (white) man on the cover. His head is carefully positioned so that, in the subheader "for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered community in Southern California" he obscures "lesbian, bisexual" completely, and most of "and transgendered" as well. It's not really a visual metaphor; it's just truth in magazine covers.

Anyway. We are generally at least mildly interested in the publications in the first two categories, or we pretend to be while the earthling is watching us, but the third is obviously the superior one. And my favorite example of this is a brochure for the Los Angeles Conscious Life Expo. I mean no offense to any of you living Conscious Lives (I am sure you are not, personally, insane) when I say that, to a person who lives a plain old mundane (unconscious?) life, this thing is hysterical.

Some of the offered panels and classes are relatively normal-sounding ("Optimal Thinking for Turbulent Times" could just as easily be offered at a management seminar, not that I am suggesting that those are bastions of sanity), but then you get things like "Nibiru, 2012, and You" (no, I didn't know what Nibiru meant, either, but you should really go read the Nibiru Collision Wikipedia entry, if for no other reason than the, um, "photographic evidence") and "The Government Response to '2012' and What Obama Knows." (I really don't think you can cover what Obama knows in a three-hour workshop, but I'm getting the sense that there's something major on the whackmobile horizon for 2012. Excuse me, I meant '2012.' Apparently it has to do with Interdimensional Communications and The Shift, judging by other panels, but I'm really hoping it has no connection to the Unleash Your Secret Healing Microbes thing, because interdimensionally communicating shifting secret microbes in a government cover-up - I don't actually want to live a Torchwood plot.)

My point about this, though, is that in this brochure, I have found the Well of Lost SG1 Plots. Or maybe not lost; it is entirely possible that the entire show was written from previous Conscious Life Expo brochures. (You can't tell me they don't also have Conscious Lives in Vancouver, and apparently when you have one, you want to exhibit it.) Check out these seminar (Workshop? Panel? Shouting contest? Whatever.) titles:
  • Ascension: Masters of Immortality. Hi, Daniel! And, you know, Oma. Plus the Greek Chorus of smug folks of questionable morality.

  • Legacy of the Gods: Keys to Our Cosmic Past. Goa'uld. Obviously. In my head, this panel thing is hosted by a completely raving version of Daniel who never got recruited by the Stargate program and went irretrievably insane in that Cassandra-ish way. I picture him with long unkempt hair and an old car with a lot of bumper stickers on it, many of them in hieroglyphics. He probably hosts an AM radio show.

  • Freedom's Gate: America's Temple of Ascension. If this is not the stargate, I don't know what it is. And, for the record, I don't want to. Some things should not be googled.

  • The Sound of Light. I've, you know, never actually seen the show, but wasn't this the episode that had that sequence with Daniel on the balcony and Jack hugging him that you see in all the vids?

  • Claim Your Second Life Now!!! (Yes, all those exclamation points are in the original. Please tell me you don't think I would do that of my own free will.) Actually, Daniel's claiming his seventeenth life, but then I would expect him to be leading the pack. Of course, I can claim a Second Life right this minute by visiting a website and registering. Maybe they're talking about that.

  • The Future of People. ...As beings made of energy on a different plane, one assumes. Or maybe they mean as Soylent Green, but obviously the Stargate showrunners thought more in terms of energy bodies, which is exactly what is wrong with SF on TV these days, if you ask me.

  • Regenesis: 5th Dimensional Light Bodies. And again with the ascension. It's a theme. I just - reading this, I worry that there are people who watch SG1 and SGA and think they're documentaries, in which case - oh, god, I just want to hold them and tell them it isn't so. Although I probably can't. Strong incense and patchouli make me wheeze.

  • Proactive Manifestation of Future History. I have no fucking clue what this means, but I'm pretty sure Merlin knows. Also, after a lengthy pause to parse this, I have concluded that it maybe means making the future happen early? Maybe? In which case NO PLEASE DON'T DO THAT. I have read that story. It never ends well.

  • Galactic Awakening. This is the Ori, or I will eat something. Not a hat, mind you. Maybe a cookie. But, still, I am pretty sure that late in the run of SG1, the writers were flipping through a Conscious Life Expo brochure and saw this and exclaimed with joy.

  • Ascension Panel: The 7th Golden Age of Humanity. Do I even need to say it? No. So I'll just say - we've had six previous ones? When? And, um. If ascension is anything like it is in the Gateverse, I would not describe it as a Golden Age of Humanity. Maybe a Golden Age of Assholes. That's as far as I'm willing to go.
If I had known free publications were all I needed to write for television, I'd've chosen that career path. (I am assuming the people who read the gay magazines wrote for Queer as Folk, but what do the people who read the marijuana stuff write?)

But my real point is, maybe we should be grateful SG1 and SGA were canceled when they were, because I think the showrunners had run out of useful workshop titles, and for future seasons they'd have had to mine, like, the Tantric Love Energy workshops. Or the ones about Optimal Thinking and Money Management. Or the one about vaccines. I - I am glad I didn't have to witness that, even secondhand.

Also posted at Dreamwidth, where there are comment count unavailable comments.
 
 
 
I am never merry when I hear sweet musicpaper_tzipporah on April 4th, 2010 04:08 am (UTC)
The people reading the marijuana stuff write for Weeds, obviously!
Vermithrax Pejorative: Jon Stewartfyrdrakken on April 5th, 2010 09:08 pm (UTC)
And The Daily Show. They're pretty honest about that being their target audience, anyway.
(no subject) - thefourthvine on April 13th, 2010 06:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Whatever turns you on, whatever gets you off . . .ladyblahblah on April 4th, 2010 04:12 am (UTC)
I am assuming the people who read the gay magazines wrote for Queer as Folk, but what do the people who read the marijuana stuff write?

. . . Weeds?

ETA: Awww, too slow. XD

Edited at 2010-04-04 04:12 am (UTC)
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV brownthefourthvine on April 13th, 2010 06:23 pm (UTC)
Slow, maybe, but definitely right! I had forgotten such a show existed (because I really know nothing of it), but the title alone makes the second-category affiliation super clear.
(no subject) - ladyblahblah on April 13th, 2010 06:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
misspamela: Potbunny - Kageymisspamela on April 4th, 2010 04:12 am (UTC)
...oh, California.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV dogtagsthefourthvine on April 13th, 2010 06:26 pm (UTC)
...Is it a sign that I've been in CA too long that I had to ask BB what was specifically California about this post? (She said Conscious Lives.)
(no subject) - misspamela on April 13th, 2010 06:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
You're out of adventures :(claire on April 4th, 2010 04:16 am (UTC)
Seriously. They are just randomly picking "new age" words and putting them in some kind of order there, aren't they?

I lived a Conscious Life from 1500 to 1530 one October day. It was far too hard so I turned to alcohol.

(My desire to attend all these workshops/panels/etc is so large there isn't a font size large enough. I would totally keep a straight face and take notes!)

PS. If R.Pattz ever appears on the front of Gay White Dude Weekly, I want pics of the Earthling's reaction.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV flowersthefourthvine on April 13th, 2010 07:09 pm (UTC)
Seriously. They are just randomly picking "new age" words and putting them in some kind of order there, aren't they?

Well, it's either that, or they're speaking a language that sounds like English and looks like English but has nothing in common with English when it comes to meaning.

(My desire to attend all these workshops/panels/etc is so large there isn't a font size large enough. I would totally keep a straight face and take notes!)

Oh my god, I know! I mean, I bet it is super-expensive, but can you IMAGINE how fun it would be to blog the Conscious Life Expo?
keerawakeerawa on April 4th, 2010 04:22 am (UTC)
Woman, I love you and your brain, and propose that you donate it to science once you claim your second life. Or ascend. Whichever comes first.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV glowythefourthvine on April 13th, 2010 07:20 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I am totally planning on going down with this ship, but if the energy beings come for me, I will ask them how donating organs and bodies works out with the whole ascension thing. (Now THERE'S one SG1 never explored, I bet.)
Lorraine: sg1: daniel on unas planetlunabee34 on April 4th, 2010 04:27 am (UTC)
Ahahhahaahahahah.

*wipes eyes*

Oh, Daniel.
tried to eat the safe banana: SG1thefourthvine on April 13th, 2010 07:25 pm (UTC)
You mean as in, "Oh, Daniel, your life - so much like a self-published new age manifesto?" *snickers*
(Anonymous) on April 4th, 2010 04:37 am (UTC)


I have so much love for this entry, I can't tell you! Well, I love all your hilarious entries (when are we getting more Star Trek TOS commentary?), but this one really hits a nerve, because all of my favorite cafes have such an area with this type of literature (nothing to do with literary value, it's just an expression, OK!)

I am mostly agog with admiration at your perusal of said priceless opuses -what is the plural of opus, opii?- enough for compiling a LOLastic and very instructional list: the truth behind the Stargate PTB's weird "imagination" while simultaneously possessing zero ability to grasp the concept of plot or character-driven stories (or continuity, sob!) is finally revealed.

But my real point is, maybe we should be grateful SG1 and SGA were canceled when they were, because I think the showrunners had run out of useful workshop titles, and for future seasons they'd have had to mine, like, the Tantric Love Energy workshops. [...] I - I am glad I didn't have to witness that, even secondhand.

I thought that SG 90210 covered these topics in their first ten episodes several times at length and repeatedly? Which accounts for how unpopular the show seems to be... I could be totally off-base on this, it's not as if I was going to watch SGU to check the validity of this hypothesis - life is too short...
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV Katamari Damacythefourthvine on April 13th, 2010 07:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

I am mostly agog with admiration at your perusal of said priceless opuses -what is the plural of opus, opii?- enough for compiling a LOLastic and very instructional list: the truth behind the Stargate PTB's weird "imagination" while simultaneously possessing zero ability to grasp the concept of plot or character-driven stories (or continuity, sob!) is finally revealed.

These works are truly rewarding reading on their own, but I had no idea I would discover how SG1 plotting worked all those years. Now, of course, I am regretting I didn't find out sooner; it can't be that hard to write for these publications, since they probably don't pay anything, so fandom could easily have infiltrated them and started angling for the stories we wanted to watch.

I thought that SG 90210 covered these topics in their first ten episodes several times at length and repeatedly? Which accounts for how unpopular the show seems to be... I could be totally off-base on this, it's not as if I was going to watch SGU to check the validity of this hypothesis - life is too short...

They might have! I only know about shows that have a big fannish following, because, you know, I don't actually watch TV, so I was only vaguely aware SGU ever even aired. But, wow, if they used all that material in just the first ten eps, they will be HURTING by season three. Pace yourselves, people!
ReginaGiraffereginagiraffe on April 4th, 2010 04:43 am (UTC)
*dies laughing*

*ascends*
hellpenguinhellpenguin on April 4th, 2010 05:06 am (UTC)
i don't know if it's already been said, but the people writing the marijuana ones aren't writing much beyond "DUUUUUUUUUUDE".
All the letters I can write: Let's talk about spaceshipswendelah1 on April 4th, 2010 08:40 am (UTC)
but what do the people who read the marijuana stuff write?)

Weeds.

I laughed so hard I thought I'd peed my pants.
the girl with the cow-eyes: stop [by cathycab]leksa on April 4th, 2010 09:08 am (UTC)
Oh, that "GLBT" mag made my day. In a face-palmy way, but I'll take it!
melagan: oh the insanity of it allmelagan on April 4th, 2010 10:59 am (UTC)
*wipes tears of hysterical glee*
Time Is Like A Kiss: my fandom sees the stars by elishavahjenlev on April 4th, 2010 11:44 am (UTC)
I love this list. And somehow I think I've seen those seminars advertised on the Huffington Post Living page. Which I cannot help but peruse after I've read enough of the politics page to make my head spin.

PS. Maybe the folks who read the pot stuff wrote Star Trek? *veg*

Also..still falling over laughing here.

Edited at 2010-04-04 11:45 am (UTC)
amenirdis: danielamenirdis on April 4th, 2010 12:02 pm (UTC)
I think it's all a plot. *she says with shifty eyes* See, they have this tv show written by this guy who came from another planet and lost his memory, and the tv show is all a front so that if anybody finds out about the Real Temple of Ascension in Colorado people will think they're talking about the tv show! Brilliant! But, you know, you can't keep a secret for nigh on 15 years, so it stands to reason that some of it is leaking to the public. After all, Daniel can never keep his mouth shut....

madripoor_rosemadripoor_rose on April 4th, 2010 12:10 pm (UTC)
The one about vaccines. Stargate Atlantis: Poisoning The Well, season one.