?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
14 February 2012 @ 08:16 am
Days of Love 1  
Hi, fandom! I love you a lot, and I thought I would celebrate that with some days of love. By which I mean single recs. Let's see if I can manage seven!

The RBK Commercial for the End of the World, by, one assumes, Reebok, and also a heap of advertising personnel desperately in need of controlled substances.

My first rec is - not for a fanwork. Sorry! But this thing should inspire all the fanworks, is my feeling. This is a commercial featuring Sidney Crosby. And it is amazing. I found it in this Sidney Crosby mostly videospam, which I found via sociofemme's awesome Primer of Hockey Primers. And it is simultaneously the best and the worst thing ever.

I cannot watch most non-game video footage of Sidney Crosby, particularly anything staged, because I have an embarrassment squick and, well, let's just say Sidney Crosby attempting to be anything other than who he is (hockey-playing robot without a personality module) hits my squick hard enough to make me duck and cover. (If you want to see why, check out those other videos in the videospam, oh my god.)

But this particular commercial appears to be the product of a brainstorming session that went like this:

Advertising Person 1: Okay, people, we have to do a commercial featuring Sidney Crosby.
Advertising Person 2: The hockey-playing robot? Oh, fuck.
Advertising Person 3: He has no charisma.
AP1: I know.
AP2: And any time he tries to act like he has a personality, he lands squarely in the uncanny valley.
AP1: I know.
AP3: Focus groups routinely end up recoiling or sleeping when they watch him.
AP1: I know. But we're making the commercial anyway, so we've got to figure something out. Give me your best ideas, people.

[Long, pained pause in which no one at the table makes eye contact with anyone else.]

Advertising Person 4: ...I guess, if we've got to make a commercial featuring a boring guy who does absolutely nothing except play hockey, we could hang a lampshade on that.
AP1: Good enough. Let's do it.

And they did. The result is a commercial so depressing that it actually crosses back over into unintentionally hilarious.

The commercial is filmed in a grim palette and is mostly devoid of people. In a voiceover without emotion and almost without inflection, Sidney Crosby says, "This was my prom"; the accompanying shot is an empty, iceless hockey rink. "My spring break," he continues, over a shot of what I think is a deserted roller hockey court. "My road trip with friends": a mural of ice hockey players in an empty arena. "Summer camp": a dark hallway with a single bright doorway, perhaps representing the way out of this unspeakable awfulness. The way Sid did not take. "Semester abroad:" a Zamboni machine works in a deserted rink, and you get the distinct feeling it is not just smoothing the ice but flattening Crosby's soul. "Thanksgiving": we see an empty chair overlooking the Zamboni of Wretchedness. There are further two shots, one of a dim, grimy hallway with red doors, such as you might see in hell, and one of an iceless hockey rink with an abandoned stick and a rolling plastic cup that is red, probably to represent Sid's empty, unwanted heart. "What do you call a life dedicated to hockey?" Sid asks. The camera cuts to Sid sitting on the bench during a hockey game, watching intently, yearning to rejoin the action so he can almost feel alive again. There's a shot of his skates. Someone says "Go go go" and he goes over the boards to join the game. Sid says, "I call it time well spent." The words "I am what I am" appear on the screen. The viewer is filled with a profound sense of dislocation and despair, followed by an almost uncontrollable desire to write fiction in which Crosby gets fucked in the ass and loves it.

When Best Beloved and I watched this commercial, we died. And then we spent the rest of the evening randomly walking up to each other and saying things like, "All my Christmas presents!" and "Grandpa's funeral!" and "My first kiss!" and "My puppy!" The underlying message of this commercial appears to be: If you can still be happy or have fun, you aren't dedicated enough. (It is also the world's best argument for slavefic. Which - normally slavefic is not my particular narrative kink, but Sidney Crosby as a hockey slave makes so much sense that I am currently writing a Just the Good Parts version of it. Watch this commercial and tell me you don't see it. You can't. You can't.)

Seriously. Watch this. It is thirty seconds extremely well spent, even if you know absolutely fuck-all about hockey and care even less.

Also posted at Dreamwidth, where there are comment count unavailable comments.
 
 
 
starfishchick on February 14th, 2012 04:36 pm (UTC)
OH MY SIDNEY!
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV bluethefourthvine on February 14th, 2012 05:51 pm (UTC)
HOCKEY IS ALL HE HAS. ALL.
(no subject) - starfishchick on February 14th, 2012 08:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 14th, 2012 11:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
aweszomerthsinsense on February 14th, 2012 05:45 pm (UTC)
It is also the world's best argument for slavefic. Which - normally slavefic is not my particular narrative kink, but Sidney Crosby as a hockey slave makes so much sense that I am currently writing a Just the Good Parts version of it.
YES. I am writing a gladiator AU where Sidney is a VOLUNTEER because of course he would be.

I think just_katarin was the person who observed that hockey is the worst abusive parent ever in that commercial? I forget who it was, but they were spot on. Spot on.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV brownthefourthvine on February 14th, 2012 05:53 pm (UTC)
I think it might have been . BUT WHOEVER IT WAS WAS SO, SO RIGHT.

Also, OMG GLADIATOR AU OMG EEEEEEEE. I am so excited to be able to READ YOUR WRITING!
(no subject) - just_katarin on February 15th, 2012 03:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 03:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sinsense on February 15th, 2012 07:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 07:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - apetslife on March 10th, 2012 02:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
Caminando, desaparezcomargueritem on February 14th, 2012 05:46 pm (UTC)
Every time someone talks about Sidney Crosby on my flist, it takes me around fives minutes to figure out they're not talking about this guy.

That was a very depressing commercial.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV dogtagsthefourthvine on February 14th, 2012 05:57 pm (UTC)
I like to think Bing was a happier guy.

And that commercial is so depressing that I just love it. HOW DID IT EVER GET MADE? Hundreds of people worked on that commercial, and apparently not one person said, "You know, guys, this is kind of - a downer." WOW.
(no subject) - margueritem on February 14th, 2012 06:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 14th, 2012 08:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - margueritem on February 14th, 2012 08:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - china_shop on February 14th, 2012 08:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - just_katarin on February 15th, 2012 03:37 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 03:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - just_katarin on February 15th, 2012 04:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 11:10 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Silvia Kundera: tsn-sadfaceWardosilviakundera on February 14th, 2012 06:28 pm (UTC)
I feel like I can't watch the commercial now, because your description of it made me teary eyed with laughter and nothing can possibly live up it.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV glowythefourthvine on February 14th, 2012 08:03 pm (UTC)
No, really, it is amazing! So amazing! YOU SHOULD WATCH IT. YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
lexstar29: Dreaminglexstar29 on February 14th, 2012 06:42 pm (UTC)
That commercial is priceless! I can't believe that at no point did anyone point out that it was maybe a little bit depressing. Although as you say it is so much so that it crosses back into hilarious.

Mind you, having dated a hockey player in the distant past I can attest that some of them really are exactly that...let's say focused shall we? Some of them, (my ex included) really do think that hockey really is All.There.Is.To.Life!
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV Katamari Damacythefourthvine on February 14th, 2012 08:06 pm (UTC)
I am sure Sid really is like that. I mean, I believe it! I just - feel like emphasizing that was not really the best choice the marketers could have made. I DON'T WANT TO BUY SHOES AFTER WATCHING THAT. I WANT TO HUG MY CHILD AND REMEMBER THERE'S STILL JOY IN THE WORLD.
(no subject) - lexstar29 on February 14th, 2012 08:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
The Gauche in the Machine: WC Elizabeth - LOLchina_shop on February 14th, 2012 08:26 pm (UTC)
*dying*
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV lettersthefourthvine on February 14th, 2012 11:12 pm (UTC)
BEST AD EVER, right?
the only blowup doll bobblehead on the internetimpertinence on February 14th, 2012 11:02 pm (UTC)
OH THAT COMMERCIAL. I think it's meant to be inspiring, but instead it's just incredibly depressing. at least put some cheering people in the stands, Reebok!

though honestly, it's not nearly as cringe-inducing as Kaner and Tazer's Dell Streak commercial, which implies that they're going to watch Kaner's video of the girls he's had sex with in the locker room together, or something, and also honestly makes me terrified of someday witnessing one of them trying to pick up.
tried to eat the safe banana: OMG RUN!thefourthvine on February 14th, 2012 11:46 pm (UTC)
Okay, but who thought it might be inspiring? Aliens? The other robots who share Crosby's serial number? People on so many drugs their whole bodies are classified as controlled substances? Because normal people are not inspired by that. Normal people are GRATEFUL THEY AREN'T SIDNEY CROSBY.

And oh GOD that Streak ad. I only got halfway through and then I had to click away for my own sanity. JUST GIVE EACH OTHER BLOWJOBS, DUDES. It will be better for everyone that way.

...Do hockey players ever make good commercials? EVER? Or is hockey, like, the curse of the marketing world?
(no subject) - impertinence on February 15th, 2012 12:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 12:37 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - impertinence on February 15th, 2012 03:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 03:38 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - impertinence on February 15th, 2012 03:44 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 03:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - impertinence on February 15th, 2012 03:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 11:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - echelon_razor on March 19th, 2012 03:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - go_gentle on February 15th, 2012 12:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 12:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - impertinence on February 15th, 2012 03:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 03:52 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - apetslife on March 10th, 2012 02:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - impertinence on February 15th, 2012 03:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - linden_jay on February 15th, 2012 01:18 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 03:39 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 11:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
misspamelamisspamela on February 14th, 2012 11:20 pm (UTC)
Can we please talk about how completely and suddenly obsessed I am with these dudes? Check the comments of my "my fandom is great" post for GENO AND BABIES.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV glowythefourthvine on February 14th, 2012 11:47 pm (UTC)
I am entirely happy to talk about it, but if you expect me to do something to fix it, SORRY, CAN'T. Too busy writing about Sid the slave.

GENO and BABIES? OMG I MUST SEE THIS NOW.
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 14th, 2012 11:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - missmollyetc on February 15th, 2012 05:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 08:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - missmollyetc on February 15th, 2012 11:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 11:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - missmollyetc on February 15th, 2012 11:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 11:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - missmollyetc on February 15th, 2012 11:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 11:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - missmollyetc on February 16th, 2012 12:01 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - starfishchick on February 16th, 2012 12:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - missmollyetc on February 16th, 2012 12:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 16th, 2012 02:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - missmollyetc on February 16th, 2012 03:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - apetslife on February 20th, 2012 07:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - misspamela on February 15th, 2012 08:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 09:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - misspamela on February 15th, 2012 09:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 09:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - misspamela on February 15th, 2012 09:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 09:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - misspamela on February 15th, 2012 10:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 10:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - misspamela on February 15th, 2012 10:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 10:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eleanor_lavish on February 15th, 2012 10:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 10:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eleanor_lavish on February 15th, 2012 10:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eleanor_lavish on February 15th, 2012 10:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 10:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 17th, 2012 03:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
Also into cats: CanadianActionSidjamethiel_bane on February 14th, 2012 11:48 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD. Have you seen the latest Gatorade commercial (Also featuring Sidney Crosby). I... can't even watch it and they were showing it ALL THE TIME during the All Star Game and I was all "BUT HE CAN'T PLAY HOCKEY WHAT DOES HE DO WHEN HE DOESN'T PLAY HOCKEY"

In conclusion, I appear to have developed a deep and abiding concern for Sidney Crosby's welfare. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!?
tried to eat the safe banana: Time won't find the lostthefourthvine on February 14th, 2012 11:57 pm (UTC)
Ohhhhh my GOD. I mean, at least Gatorade avoided the desperation and despair of the Reebok commercial, but - OH, SID.

(Also, proof that I am not designed to watch commercials: I was watching Sid drink all that Gatorade and was like, well, there's your watersports.)

In conclusion, I appear to have developed a deep and abiding concern for Sidney Crosby's welfare. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!?

SOMEONE HAS TO CARE. And, anyway, how could we HELP it? His hockeyless pathos! His robotic malfunctions! HIS TOTAL NEED TO BE LOVED, IDEALLY BY A RUSSIAN HOCKEY PLAYER!
fryadvocategirl_wonder on February 15th, 2012 01:40 am (UTC)
I hate Sid Crosby like A LOT. But this whole post filled me with hilarious glee.
tried to eat the safe banana: I've been badthefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 03:40 am (UTC)
How can you hate Sid? HIS WHOLE LIFE IS AN EMPTY SHELL. HE HAS NOTHING BUT HOCKEY.

But! I am glad to hear that even the haters can appreciate the, um, peculiar joy that this commercial brings.
celliacellia on February 15th, 2012 03:32 am (UTC)
lol I the depressing lead-in for the commercial is supposed to be made ok by the happy ending of him being a pro hockey player? It's like a Cinderella story?
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV lettersthefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 03:41 am (UTC)
Maaaaaybe? I can believe they thought that! But, uh, SORRY GUYS NO IT DIDN'T WORK.

Signed,
My Sudden Need for SSRIs
Six Shirts McWeirderson: Sports - hockey Jordy/Geno kissjust_katarin on February 15th, 2012 03:41 am (UTC)
THIS COMMERCIAL IS BASICALLY THE WORST THING EVER. WHO THOUGHT IS WAS A GOOD IDEA? WHY? WHAT ARE THEY HOPING TO SELL?

I WOULD NEVER LET MY CHILD PLAY HOCKEY AFTER WATCHING THIS. I'D ASK THEM IF MAYBE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO JUST READ A NICE BOOK OR PLAY WITH A BOOK OF MATCHES INSTEAD. CLEARLY THOSE THINGS WILL LEAD TO YOU LEADING A MUCH, MUCH HAPPIER LIFE.

BECAUSE ANYTHING WOULD!!!!
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV menorahthefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 03:54 am (UTC)
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Crosbys.
I am for reals wanting to advise my sister to KEEP THE NEPHEW IN FIGURE SKATING. Don't let him go to the dark side! We want him to be HAPPY!

Because, yes, my teenaged years of playing with, you know, drugs and really awful sex and truancy led to WAY more happiness than Sid will ever have.

ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN HOCKEY.
(no subject) - just_katarin on February 15th, 2012 04:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 04:13 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - go_gentle on February 15th, 2012 04:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 04:28 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - just_katarin on February 15th, 2012 04:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 08:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - just_katarin on February 15th, 2012 04:37 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 08:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - just_katarin on February 15th, 2012 10:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 10:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - impertinence on February 15th, 2012 04:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - go_gentle on February 15th, 2012 05:06 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 08:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - impertinence on February 15th, 2012 08:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
angharaddangharadd on February 15th, 2012 05:42 am (UTC)
OMG, your rec is a thing of beauty, and that video could make Russian novelists look like a cheerful crowd.
tried to eat the safe banana: Black umbrellathefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 08:30 pm (UTC)
FOR REAL. After this, the entirety of Anna Karenina AND Ethan Frome seem like joyful frolics in the pleasure dome.
sinquepidasinquepida on February 15th, 2012 06:10 am (UTC)
So, I knew I had gone around the bend when I read some epic Staal/rookiechild fic until 3 am the other night and I cared more about the HOCKEY than the good bits, but this makes me, like, genuinely heartbroken because Sidney Crosby will probably never play hockey again, legitimately.

Is this. What has HAPPENED to me.
tried to eat the safe banana: please stand bythefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 08:30 pm (UTC)
DON'T SAY THAT. HE'LL PLAY AGAIN. HE HAS TO, HE HAS TO.

(Otherwise I will BREAK DOWN WEEPING. So whatever happened to you, it HAPPENED TO ME, TOO. Wanna form a support group?)
(no subject) - sinquepida on February 18th, 2012 06:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - starfishchick on February 15th, 2012 08:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - just_katarin on February 15th, 2012 10:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on February 15th, 2012 11:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - just_katarin on February 15th, 2012 11:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
utterfrivolity: Red Wingsutterfrivolity on February 16th, 2012 10:51 am (UTC)
So now that you point it out, yes, that commercial is hilariously depressing. But I have to admit, when I saw this commercial before, that never occurred to me. I wouldn't say I was inspired by it, but I considered it perfectly reasonable to highlight the dedication required to succeed in sport in that way. And maybe I even did find it slightly motivating, in the sense that it made me feel like I should get my ass off LJ and try to succeed at something in life? idek, suddenly feeling vaguely concerned that I may actually be part of the robot target audience for this commercial.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV lettersthefourthvine on February 16th, 2012 10:09 pm (UTC)
SO NOW WE KNOW. IT'S YOUR FAULT.

No, seriously, I salute you, my differently-programmed robot friend! I'm actually relieved to hear that it didn't throw every single person who viewed it into the pits of despair, because I was wondering if someone should maybe graph SSRI prescriptions against this thing's airing dates. GOOD NEWS: THIS COMMERCIAL PROBABLY DIDN'T DESTROY THE WORLD.

(Although I would still say that Reebok maybe needs to think about making commercials that don't depress ANYONE.)
(no subject) - quiet000001 on March 20th, 2012 12:29 am (UTC) (Expand)