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30 May 2007 @ 10:16 am
Miscellaneous: Still Trapped. In a Hotel Room. With Dogs.  
I have learned many important lessons in the last week and a half, and I want to share just a few of them with you. True, they probably won't ever actually be useful to you. Frankly, you should probably plan your life so that they're not. But I'm damned well going to share them anyway.
  1. You can totally use complimentary hotel toiletries to wash a dog. Your dog's coat will be silky-soft, full-bodied, and shiny afterward, and you will briefly consider sending an unsolicited testimonial to the manufacturer. Do not do this. It's just hotel-room psychosis setting in.

  2. Bathing a dog in a hotel bathroom is not the most fun you will ever have. It's not the most fun the dog will ever have, either. (Tip: be on the other side of the shower curtain from the dog at ALL TIMES. Particularly when you, after having lured her there under false pretenses and with many treats, show her the magical sky fountain. And most especially when you turn the magical sky fountain off. It is entirely possible to keep a firm hold on a collar through two layers of shower curtain, and if you know what's good for you, that's what you'll do.)

  3. Spending any significant amount of time with a dog who is covered in another dog's urine is even less fun than bathing her will eventually be.

  4. And if you want to experience a near total absence of fun, try being stuck in a small area with:

    1. A dog who is covered in another dog's urine, but is determined not to let this stand in the way of her social life.
    2. The dog who peed on the first dog and is thus undergoing a serious metaphysical crisis ("Do I exist? Does urine exist? WILL DINNER EXIST?"), with attendant digestive distress.
    3. A book called Why People Believe Weird Things.
    4. A Mormon insurance salesman (okay, "executive") who is not getting good cell phone reception and apparently can't sustain continued existence without talking to someone at all times.

    Trust me when I tell you that every potential topic of conversation in this situation is both uncomfortable and inevitable.

  5. Any conversational gambit that begins, "So, you seem like a smart girl, you like books and stuff [the "stuff" apparently being "deranged dogs," as that was the other thing it was obvious I liked, so be advised: if you want to find a smart girl, look in the dog training section of your local bookstore], so maybe you can tell me..." is bound to end badly. Avoid it. Feign death if you have to.

  6. But that conversational gambit (and all other ones, including, "What are you reading?" "So, why do people believe weird things?" "What's a fallacy?" "What kind of weird things, exactly?" "What religion are you?" "Are you married?" "Does your husband have life insurance?") is far preferable to, "So what's all this wet stuff on your dog's side?" Especially after the urine-covered dog has made exceptionally friendly (not to say utterly unstoppable) overtures to your new insurance-executive friend, and he has taken them with remarkably good grace.

  7. There is a time and a place for putting the Barnum Effect to work for you, and that time and place is when you find yourself giving relationship advice to a Mormon insurance executive.
So, that's how my life has been lately. (Specifically, yesterday. I mean, I did some other stuff, but somehow it pales in comparison to that fun-filled hour.) How are you? I'm pretty much missing out on fandom and my friends list, what with the trapped in a hotel room with dogs effect, so please let me know of any new stories or life events or vids or, you know, whole fandoms that have passed me by.

Seriously. Recommend something to me. I need things to distract me from my plan to strangle my dogs.
 
 
 
¿es eso un libro de besos?: plagues (by Lanning)darthfox on May 30th, 2007 05:10 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty much missing out on fandom

Oh, trust me. You don't want to know.
I am never merry when I hear sweet musicpaper_tzipporah on May 30th, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC)
Oh, trust me. You don't want to know.

That pretty much sums it up.
(no subject) - thefourthvine on May 30th, 2007 05:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - paper_tzipporah on May 30th, 2007 05:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on May 30th, 2007 05:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - darthfox on May 30th, 2007 05:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
post-apocalypse shenanigans: Songs for Gay Dogsbrynwulf on May 30th, 2007 05:11 pm (UTC)
Wow, some people have all the luck. Do you know how long I've wanted to be locked up in a hotel room with urine-smelling dogs? It's been my dream for like.... 30 seconds!

/tonguecheek

Your life is muey interesting, sweetie.
tried to eat the safe banana: Dogthefourthvine on May 30th, 2007 05:34 pm (UTC)
You are hereby invited to come visit. No, really. My dogs would love to see you. Can I book you in for this afternoon?

And, actually, I'm starting to think my life is a cosmic joke. That would at least explain why people are laughing at me.
(no subject) - brynwulf on May 30th, 2007 05:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
ReginaGiraffereginagiraffe on May 30th, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC)
Did you ever mention *why* you were being forced to spend a week in a hotel room with a couple of dogs?

*is very curious*
Rat Creature: heh.ratcreature on May 30th, 2007 05:17 pm (UTC)
Maybe it's a new reality tv show premise... *is wildly speculating*
(no subject) - thefourthvine on May 30th, 2007 05:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ainsley on May 30th, 2007 06:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Laura Shapiro: cakelaurashapiro on May 30th, 2007 05:16 pm (UTC)
Take heart: your misery will cheer hundreds of your friends today. For this, this is an awesome post. (:

Hey, coulda been worse. Coulda been the Gideon Bible was the only book available.
tried to eat the safe banana: Bookthefourthvine on May 30th, 2007 05:40 pm (UTC)
Take heart: your misery will cheer hundreds of your friends today.

Actually, as I was desperately casting around for a means of ending the conversation, I thought, well, obviously I'm going to post about this. It's why we survive unpleasant experiences: so we can post about them.

Coulda been the Gideon Bible was the only book available.

I supplied the book, thank god. Although if I'd known I'd be chatting, I'd've picked something else. (Actually, if I'd known how the afternoon was going to go, I would've brought baby wipes. Reading material is great, but baby wipes would, on that occasion, have been much better.) There are books that are guaranteed conversation-killers, after all.

And I'm pretty sure I could've gotten a Book of Mormon as alternate reading material. Yep. Really pretty confident about that.
(no subject) - laurashapiro on May 30th, 2007 07:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kattsune on May 31st, 2007 03:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - laurashapiro on May 31st, 2007 11:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
toft: islashertoft_froggy on May 30th, 2007 05:18 pm (UTC)
*giggles uncontrollably*

Well. Um. There's all this stuff going on in fandom which maybe you know about where it turns out that LJ really *is* suspending communities which list 'incest' and 'chan' and stuff in their interests. pornishpixies has been suspended, among others. People are doing stuff. I have faith it will work out.

I've been reading a Wikipedia article about the game Mornington Crescent, but BEFORE reading that you should see the game in action over at morganmuffle's LJ. It's not a fandom exactly, but it's from the British radio panel game 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue', which is part of the wider British TV Personalities RPS fandom, which is mostly represented by the Have I Got News For You fandom. This is a comedy news quiz on every week, which pretty much plays the role of the Daily Show, but it's much more inclined to surrealism and much funnier (I think). The best moment in HIGNFY history was the show the evening after Angus Deaton, the old (now disgraced, as a result of this) host, had been all over the papers in a cocaine and hooker scandal, and Paul Merton, who is wonderful, took off his jacket halfway through the programme to reveal a t-shirt with a scanned copy of the tabloid front page on it. This is my favourite fic ever written in this fandom, in which Boris Johnson, UK politician (in the loosest sense of the word) and popular recurring guest, slays vampires. Um, there. You probably shouldn't strangle your dogs.
tried to eat the safe banana: I sleep with computers.thefourthvine on May 30th, 2007 05:42 pm (UTC)
*stares*

Oh, fandom. Don't burn down while I'm gone.

Also, why does British TV always sound so interesting? American TV never does.

*clicks links*

*prepares to be entranced*

*postpones dog-strangling for at least two hours*
(no subject) - toft_froggy on May 30th, 2007 06:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - dzurlady on June 1st, 2007 03:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
n_snarcolepsy_slds on May 30th, 2007 05:21 pm (UTC)
Don't forget that after you managed to stay almost dry and clean while bathing your dog, it will get you wet anyway: by running around you in very tight circles or by using you as a towel ... at least I have not managed the art of staying dry while bathing mine.

The most "fun" I had bathing my dog was after she thought that dirty oily black was a flattering colour for her (being white/gray and long haired).
tried to eat the safe banana: Dogthefourthvine on May 30th, 2007 05:45 pm (UTC)
I actually did manage to stay totally clean and dry while bathing my extremely filthy, urine-covered dog in a bathroom patently not designed for it, even after she was released from the Tub of Terror. I realize no one will ever give me a gold medal for this feat, but I feel I deserve one. That was not easy.

The most "fun" I had bathing my dog was after she thought that dirty oily black was a flattering colour for her (being white/gray and long haired).

*cringes*

Oh my god. At least my dogs are short-haired. I see now that things could be much worse.
(no subject) - narcolepsy_slds on May 30th, 2007 06:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Annie: Pup -  Birthdayraisintorte on May 30th, 2007 05:26 pm (UTC)
Being trapped in a hotel room with my dog is just about the scariest thing I can imagine. I'm still having flashbacks from the time I decided I could trust her enough to take her off leash near a river. There were muddy paw print streaks on my walls for about a week before they got cleaned off. (We also ended up taking a shower together because I didn't want to deal with removing everything from the bathtub bathroom so we used the shower with a door. That was traumatic for both of us.)

On the distraction front - how about pictures of a dog that isn't trapped with you?
tried to eat the safe banana: Dogthefourthvine on May 30th, 2007 05:52 pm (UTC)
Being trapped in a hotel room with my dog is just about the scariest thing I can imagine.

Yeah, I'm right there with you. Except that I'm living the dream.

Really, there's no amount of chocolate sufficient to remedy this.

I'm still having flashbacks from the time I decided I could trust her enough to take her off leash near a river.

Oh, man. I - yeah. I can totally envision how that would go with my dogs. I fear the state police would end up involved. Also possibly psychiatric authorities. And Best Beloved saying, in disbelieving tones, "You let them off the leash? Oh, honey, you need help."

On the distraction front - how about pictures of a dog that isn't trapped with you?

Oh my god, she is ADORABLE. *swoons* (Wait, the cute is how they put you off your guard. Must. Not. Succumb. But - so cute! *swoons anyway*)
(no subject) - raisintorte on May 30th, 2007 06:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
sheldrakesheldrake on May 30th, 2007 05:40 pm (UTC)
Let this be a lesson to you! You go off to a hotel room for a few days and fandom explodes. Please don't let it happen again.
tried to eat the safe banana: TFV bluethefourthvine on May 30th, 2007 06:05 pm (UTC)
Oh, fandom, I love you so. Please do not be engaging in ritual self-harm while my back is turned, okay?
(Deleted comment)
tried to eat the safe banana: Dogthefourthvine on May 30th, 2007 06:06 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're surviving, although dealing with the Mormon salesman--well, let's just say the very picture of you dealing with this guy made me giggle but also wince in sympathy.

See, and you've met me, so you KNOW precisely how bad a match that was. It was like I was the recipient of some very special attention from the God of Comedic Situations.
semielliptical: sga:rodney pointsemielliptical on May 30th, 2007 05:42 pm (UTC)
I found this to be a great little distraction last night, maybe it will work for you: I Was A Little Too Lonely (You Were a Little Too Late) by jjtaylor, SGA, McKay/Sheppard, in which a puddlejumper is redecorated to look like a cabana and Rodney: ...cleans up, shaves, eats eight ham sandwiches and two pudding cups, and begins passing very methodically and very openly through the five stages of grief as though checking them off his to-do list for the whole of Atlantis to see.
tried to eat the safe banana: Sharethefourthvine on May 30th, 2007 06:26 pm (UTC)
Awww. That was an awesome distraction. Thank you. (Poor puddlejumper, though; we have an electronics store near us that is pretty much decorated to look like a cabana, and I can tell you that there is nothing more grim and terrifying than modern technology bedecked with fake palm fronds.)
St. Rougarougogoangelgunboy on May 30th, 2007 05:51 pm (UTC)
So that's how my life has been lately - specifically yesterday

i don't know why that made me laugh so hard, particularly when i'd already laughed at the mormon insurance salesman and the fluffy dog with the bouncin' and behavin' fur...
tried to eat the safe banana: Daisythefourthvine on June 2nd, 2007 01:08 am (UTC)
I find it's the cumulative effect that gets me laughing. Generally when I reach the "it's either laugh or cry" point. Possibly it's the same for you?

Or maybe it's just that my life is deeply comical some days. (Other people have grouchy days. I have days where I serve as a warning to others.)
some nouns and the occasional propositionainsley on May 30th, 2007 06:06 pm (UTC)
You really, really aren't missing anything by missing out on fandom at the moment.

Suggestions...read War and Peace and pretend you're in the Pegasus galaxy. Train the dogs to bring you beer (or whatever). Learn how to knit. (I haven't read anything you haven't, and don't watch vids, and don't know fandoms you don't, hence the craptastic suggestions.)
tried to eat the safe banana: All the bees are ded.thefourthvine on June 2nd, 2007 01:10 am (UTC)
You really, really aren't missing anything by missing out on fandom at the moment.

The whole situation just made me boggle. I leave for two weeks and fandom explodes. (But I'm back in my house now! I can answer comments without having to stop to dog-wrangle!)
Her Head Exploded! How Cool Is That?: penguinszee on May 30th, 2007 06:22 pm (UTC)
*giggles helplessly* And yeah, stuff's goin' down, but a lot of it is hysteria. LJ's not persecuting fandom, or anything. Trust me, you're happier missing it.

How on earth did the Mormon get involved?
tried to eat the safe banana: Daisythefourthvine on June 3rd, 2007 01:16 am (UTC)
How on earth did the Mormon get involved?

See, the room was being cleaned. So I had to take the dogs for a walk, which I did. And then there was the peeing incident, and at that point there were very few places I could take the dogs - so few environments are really urine-friendly - so I took them to the little area with benches and a fountain, where I could sit and read my book and pretend I wasn't going to have to wash a dog in a hotel bathroom in a few minutes.

And then the Mormon showed up. And I was kind of pinned down, what with dogs and book, and also I had nowhere to go. And then conversation ensued.

I want a t-shirt that says, "Can't talk. READING." Why do people assume that other people who are reading books in public are dying for an opportunity to stop reading?
(no subject) - zee on June 3rd, 2007 02:30 am (UTC) (Expand)
Neeryneery on May 30th, 2007 06:42 pm (UTC)
I know why you are stuck in a motel room, but why are you sharing said room with a mormon?

Also, did you really manage to wash an entire dog without getting either dirty or wet? I suspect you have special superpowers, possibly including briefly phasing out of this dimension and / or an invisible body shield.
tried to eat the safe banana: Daisythefourthvine on June 3rd, 2007 01:20 am (UTC)
Oh, I wasn't sharing the hotel room with the Mormon. Just a small area of outdoor space, that was all I shared with him. Well, that, and more of his personal history than I was really comfortable knowing, but apparently he needed to talk.

Also, did you really manage to wash an entire dog without getting either dirty or wet?

Yes. I did. In a hotel bathroom, no less. It is one of the proudest accomplishments of my entire life to date, and I want it mentioned at my funeral. ("She was a special woman. Once, she washed an entire dog without getting dirty or wet. And that's when we began suspecting she was a mutant." Something like that, maybe.)

I suspect you have special superpowers, possibly including briefly phasing out of this dimension and / or an invisible body shield.

Sadly, I do not. But if I did, believe me, I would totally use them while washing dogs, because I don't think normal humans were designed for this activity.

(P.S. I am out of the hotel room! I am very happy! And I've been trying to catch up on LJ, which EXPLODED while I had limited access, which is why this is kind of a belated response. Sorry!)
intellectual peppery: An excellent plan with just 2 drawbacks:eleveninches on May 30th, 2007 07:07 pm (UTC)
I wash my dog with kids shampoo. It makes him smell like strawberries (up until he rolls around in something gross).
tried to eat the safe banana: Dogthefourthvine on June 3rd, 2007 01:26 am (UTC)
Well, under normal circumstances, we use something called Buddy Wash, which is designed for dogs. But in the hotel, I washed my dog with Physique shampoo. She smelled like apples. Very briefly, but still. And it worked so well that now I'm wondering if I should just switch to human products; kids' shampoo sounds particularly suitable. Or, ooo, I could use the Aveeno baby wash I'm addicted to - it's for skin and hair (um, for babies, but I maintain that adults can use it, too).

*plots*

(P.S. I am out of the hotel room! I am very happy! And I've been trying to catch up on LJ, which EXPLODED while I had limited access, which is why this is kind of a belated response. Sorry!)