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14 August 2009 @ 09:28 am
From the Archives  
They're coming to take us away. Our internet, I mean, and also everything else in our house. The theory is that we will get our stuff back in our new house, and it will have internet on Monday, but not one other thing in this move has gone according to plan, so I'm not counting on that, either.

I am, however, hoping for a kind and naive neighbor with an unsecured wireless connection. If I don't get that, I will see you when I see you.

As I was shutting down my computer prepartory to moving, I found a number of half-finished posts and posts I never got around to, you know, actually posting. And I thought I would leave you with one of them. This I wrote after I wrote the fanfic warnings post, because, let's face it. Published writers need warnings at least as much as we do. So I thought I would come up with just a rough start - I mean, obviously there are many many many more warnings needed. Feel free to leave them in the comments. Maybe we can get together a definitive list.

(And, yes, I had at least one specific published writer in mind for each one of these. I offer bonus points, which can be redeemed for many imaginary prizes, to anyone who can guess which writers go with which warnings.)

Published Author Warnings

WARNING: I used to have a three-dimensional character, and then I fell in love with him, and now he is Prince Sparklepants Shinyhorse, the most perfect man/vampire/werewolf/demon/half-unicorn/whatever in all of creation. Also, if people criticize him, or my writing of him, I will go off the rails. On the internet. It will be funny in that way where you keep wondering why my family and friends aren't taking care of me.

WARNING: I write fiction, but I believe every word. If you don't, I will send my characters to kill you.

WARNING: If you read one chapter of any of my books, you will end up reading my entire body of work in a week and a half. After it's all over, you will find you are unshowered and vaguely sticky. You'll have blank spots in your memory and a pervading sense of shame you can only cure by fucking a stranger in the backseat of your grandfather's convertible. (If your grandfather doesn't have a convertible, you're out of luck.)

WARNING: If you read anything I write that isn't fiction, you'll never be able to read my stories again. (Special Certain Science Fiction Writers Corollary: If you encounter me on the internet, there's a 35% chance you'll give up on fiction entirely.)

WARNING: I am so done with this series, but, dude, I bought a house back on book 5 and I've got payments to make. Look forward to the next dozen installments, all of which will read like pastiche from increasingly unskilled hands.

WARNING: I'm not done with this series; I'm afraid of it. I spend all my time thinking of creative ways not to write another word of it. Please stop asking me about it; I'm already heavily medicated and hiding from my fans.

WARNING: I'm a big name. I don't have to listen to my editor anymore.

WARNING: I've decided I'm not writing the hard parts anymore. No more plot that makes sense! No more actual story! From now on, it's bad jokes and sex scenes all the way, baby.

WARNING: I don't think I'm my character. I just wish I was. She's shiny! And perfect! (Special Dorothy L. Sayers Only Exception: If you're Dorothy L. Sayers, you can get away with this. If you aren't, you can't. This means you. Yes, you too. Sorry! It was a one time deal, apparently.)

WARNING: I'm starting to hate my main character, but I'm not going to stop writing about him.

WARNING: I really love myself. A lot. Every word I write is spun gold in text form.

WARNING: I was really, really depressed when I wrote this. I'm hoping I can pass the trauma on to you.

WARNING: I did my research, and by god, you will know it if I have to hit you over the head with fifty pages of utterly extraneous exposition.

WARNING: I didn't do my research. If you notice, obviously you don't care about my art.

WARNING: I am completely fucking crazy. Seriously. All my sentences end with special crazy-flavored periods, and all my articles are special crazy-thes and crazy-ands. And that's just my fiction. In real life, I am even worse. I don't know why they're still letting me attend cons, or indeed leave my house.

WARNING: I...don't really get why we have to have women. I mean, in the species. They just bother me. I can think of only two uses for a woman:
  1. To give birth to everyone in the story.
  2. To act as anti-gay buffering devices. (Stories written since 1970 only.)
Fortunately, it turns out they can mostly fulfill these functions and still be a) dead b) entirely off the page or c) non-sentient.

WARNING: Turns out writing novels really doesn't work instead of therapy, but that hasn't stopped me from trying. For the last 35 years.

WARNING: I wrote this thinking of the movie rights. It's not really a novel, per se - it's more of a pre-novelization.

WARNING: I hate you.
 
 
 
sapote3sapote3 on August 14th, 2009 04:49 pm (UTC)
The only ones I got were Orson Scott Card and Heinlein. Unless that's not Heinlein, in which case I'm depressed that there are two authors who I can mistake for Heinlein, OH WAIT, IT'S TOLKIEN ISN'T IT.
Very inconvenient, as now I have no shaving-glassdzurlady on August 15th, 2009 03:54 am (UTC)
Which one did you think was Tolkein?
(no subject) - aethel on August 15th, 2009 08:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
The sanest lunatic you've ever met: book: grrm is mercilesssdwolfpup on August 14th, 2009 04:50 pm (UTC)
WARNING: I'm not done with this series; I'm afraid of it. I spend all my time thinking of creative ways not to write another word of it. Please stop asking me about it; I'm already heavily medicated and hiding from my fans.

Is this Martin? It's gotta be Martin. Heh.

Best of luck with the move! I hope all three of you make it through with your sanity intact, and all the free wireless internet you can handle at the end.
starfishchick on August 14th, 2009 05:11 pm (UTC)
I guess Martin, too.
(no subject) - adina_atl on August 14th, 2009 06:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - betzz on August 14th, 2009 07:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - apatheia_jane on August 15th, 2009 07:51 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - editormum on April 23rd, 2010 04:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
Trinaninasis on August 14th, 2009 04:54 pm (UTC)
Well, that first one should be Anne Rice. But she also fits some of the "crazy" ones as well. LOL
Sometimes You Get Marshmallows: writingflorahart on August 14th, 2009 05:16 pm (UTC)
But she also fits some pretty much all of the "crazy" ones as well.

There. Better, yes?

Edited at 2009-08-14 05:16 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - ninasis on August 14th, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - azewewish on August 14th, 2009 05:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Merlin Missy: Coffee (Selina)mtgat on August 14th, 2009 04:54 pm (UTC)
Safe move!
squeeze me, stomp me,  make me winemoosesal on August 14th, 2009 04:56 pm (UTC)
LOL. Wonderful list. Sadly, several of these could be applied to Laurell K. Hamilton. Some writers really should stop after book one.

Good luck with the move.
the pirate queen of norwayashkitty on August 14th, 2009 05:08 pm (UTC)
I know, I kept trying to pick out which was her and then gave up. A couple could be Anne Rice, too.
the24thkeythe24thkey on August 14th, 2009 04:56 pm (UTC)
WARNING: I used to have a three-dimensional character, and then I fell in love with him, and now he is Prince Sparklepants Shinyhorse, the most perfect man/vampire/werewolf/demon/half-unicorn/whatever in all of creation.

Stephenie Meyer? Never read the books, but the first thing that came to my mind when I saw 'Sparkle' was Twilight. No clue about any of the other warnings though.
the pirate queen of norwayashkitty on August 14th, 2009 05:09 pm (UTC)
I thought that at first but I don't think it is--she never had a 3-dimensional character at any point!
(no subject) - ninasis on August 14th, 2009 05:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ashkitty on August 14th, 2009 05:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
>.> - carnadosa on August 14th, 2009 06:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: >.> - ashkitty on August 14th, 2009 06:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: >.> - dzurlady on August 15th, 2009 04:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
the cold geniusangevin2 on August 14th, 2009 04:58 pm (UTC)
The first one has got to be Laurell K. Hamilton. And I think I recognized Robert Jordan (house payments), Anne Rice (no editor), and Douglas Adams (really depressed) in there as well...
Trinaninasis on August 14th, 2009 05:19 pm (UTC)
Did LKH have an internet meltdown similar to Anne's? Because Anne's meltdown after having her poor lil Lestat criticized was so freaking funny.
(no subject) - gryphonrhi on August 14th, 2009 10:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - imkalena on August 14th, 2009 08:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - dormouse_in_tea on August 15th, 2009 05:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - joandarck on November 19th, 2009 06:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - editormum on April 23rd, 2010 04:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - joandarck on November 19th, 2009 06:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
i teach sunday school, motherfucker.: arthur says bzuh? or possibly is drunkrandomeliza on August 14th, 2009 05:01 pm (UTC)
WARNING: I'm not done with this series; I'm afraid of it. I spend all my time thinking of creative ways not to write another word of it. Please stop asking me about it; I'm already heavily medicated and hiding from my fans.

I don't know who you're thinking of here, but I'm thinking of Melanie Rawn. SOMEDAY I WILL HAVE CLOSURE ON THIS SERIES IF I HAVE TO KIDNAP HER AND FORCE HER TO WRITE AT GUNPOINT, DAMMIT.

WARNING: I've decided I'm not writing the hard parts anymore. No more plot that makes sense! No more actual story! From now on, it's bad jokes and sex scenes all the way, baby.

Laurell K. Hamilton? Is that you?


And finally, I have no idea who this is:

WARNING: I am completely fucking crazy. Seriously. All my sentences end with special crazy-flavored periods, and all my articles are special crazy-thes and crazy-ands. And that's just my fiction. In real life, I am even worse. I don't know why they're still letting me attend cons, or indeed leave my house.

...but I just laughed so hard I think I pulled something. Ow.
you're always running into people's unconscious: batman: creepy.innocentsmith on August 14th, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)
Are there even any bad jokes in LKH's books anymore?
(no subject) - firefox1490 on August 15th, 2009 05:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - inlovewithnight on August 14th, 2009 05:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - randomeliza on August 14th, 2009 05:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - inlovewithnight on August 14th, 2009 05:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - randomeliza on August 14th, 2009 05:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - inlovewithnight on August 14th, 2009 05:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - betzz on August 14th, 2009 07:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - labellementeuse on August 14th, 2009 08:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - littledust on August 15th, 2009 01:51 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Lotripper: drowning in sploogemsilverstar on August 15th, 2009 06:28 am (UTC)
The Big Name / No Editing one could be so many people: Azimov, McCaffrey, Rowling, Tom Clancy, John Le Carre...
ariadne83ariadne83 on August 14th, 2009 05:08 pm (UTC)
WARNING: I'm a big name. I don't have to listen to my editor anymore.

Y HALO THAR, Terry Goodkind.
London Clockworkpolaris_starz on August 14th, 2009 06:22 pm (UTC)
Anne Rice as well.
(no subject) - cereta on August 14th, 2009 07:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
a particularly troubled Romulan: communicationillariy on August 14th, 2009 05:10 pm (UTC)
Hehe. These were all hilarious. WARNING: I'm a big name. I don't have to listen to my editor anymore. This one makes me want to read the editor's description of the events.

And I hope your move goes well. *crosses fingers*
thornyrose42: Bookthornyrose42 on August 14th, 2009 05:11 pm (UTC)
We had no internet for a whole week because apparently in two working days means a week in internet server provider-eese.

WARNING: I'm a big name. I don't have to listen to my editor anymore.

Hello JKR. You can actually track this happening, notice how she never talks about any changes her editor made her do after the forth book. I mean by then everyone was just like "Must get this book out in utmost secrecy. No one cane read it! NO editors! NO proof readers! Nothing!

hooker 13: [bats]bruce reads romance novelsamberlynne on August 14th, 2009 05:15 pm (UTC)
I think I've read that book. :D
you're always running into people's unconscious: sarah bookworminnocentsmith on August 14th, 2009 05:23 pm (UTC)
I am so done with this series, but, dude, I bought a house back on book 5 and I've got payments to make.

Piers Anthony? Every series he ever wrote?

I'm starting to hate my main character, but I'm not going to stop writing about him.

Mystery writers seem especially prone to this problem, from Arthur Conan Doyle to Agatha Christie and on. To be fair, though, sometimes it's more that they can't stop writing because their readers will hunt them down and whine at them endlessly if they try.

I was really, really depressed when I wrote this. I'm hoping I can pass the trauma on to you.

I'm pretty sure this isn't meant to be Douglas Adams, but that was definitely my experience with Mostly Harmless.

Edited at 2009-08-14 05:24 pm (UTC)
the pirate queen of norway: stealth sheepashkitty on August 14th, 2009 05:36 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha. So true, though at least Piers Anthony was pretty up front about it. "I write funny books full of ridiculous horrible puns, but I'm paying my bills off bad puns and not everyone can say that, and also you keep buying my books. Cool." ;)
(no subject) - innocentsmith on August 14th, 2009 05:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ashkitty on August 14th, 2009 05:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thornyrose42 on August 14th, 2009 06:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Coooooookie!ldthomps on August 14th, 2009 05:23 pm (UTC)
I, too, thought of JKR when it came to not having to edit anymore! :D And I'm pretty sure Piers Anthony fits several of these (especially buying a house at book 3 5).

Moving is one of the most stressful things humans can do, so give yourself license to be stressed - soon you will have new internets! Also, home!
thornyrose42thornyrose42 on August 14th, 2009 06:03 pm (UTC)
Which is a pity and I feel a bit sorry for her because of it. I imagine it would be like trying to work without a beta reader. I wouldn't want to post anything longer than a drabble without having someone going through it going, "Grammer, spelling, this lacks logic, you could move this bit here, whoa check the continuity here" and y'know, talking to me about the character's progression, the themes etc.
(no subject) - ldthomps on August 14th, 2009 06:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thornyrose42 on August 14th, 2009 06:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)