tried to eat the safe banana (thefourthvine) wrote,
tried to eat the safe banana

218: A Stunning Lack of Heterosexuality

Okay, so you people came through beyond my wildest dreams in the No Heterosexual Explanation Moments post. I have spent the last couple of days basically rolling in slashiness, and it's been awesome. So I thought I'd return the favor, to the best of my limited abilities. Here's a rec set showcasing just a tiny amount of the non-heterosexuality that's out there! YAY.

(Note: spoilers in this post for Star Trek TOS.)

The One That Shows That You Could Never Have a Reasonable Portmanteau for This Pairing. (Husky? Starch?) I Like That about a Fandom. Something to Talk About, by lauramcewan. Starsky and Hutch, Kenneth Hutch/David Starsky. (Scroll down to the middle of the vids section.)

Starsky and Hutch was by far the winner of the No Heterosexual Explanation roundup. Apparently, this show broke new ground in the field of really not being straight in any way at all. (I was astonished to discover, though, that there was more to these guys than slashy subtext. Like, check out this segment of an episode. They're actually dealing with the topic of homosexuality in a way that is not played for laughs or some imaginary gross-out factor. And, uh, maybe this is just me, but I am totally incapable of not reading that clip as communicating that the blond guy is, himself, closeted. His reaction shots! Him trying to explain that, you know, that attitude is what keeps some people from coming out! His significant looks! It's a whole new kind of NHEM, is what it is, and I thank those who linked to it in the post.)

This vid is a compilation of all the visual Starksy and Hutch NHEMs. At least I assume this is all of them; I don't see how one show could contain more without the stars ending up giving each other blowjobs just from the accumulated pressure of all those non-heterosexual moments. And, bonus, there's helpful photographic emphasis, just in case you somehow missed the slashiness. (This would be a good vid for anyone who does not get the NHEM. They're all right there, clearly highlighted for your convenience. And decidedly unheterosexual.)

And, seriously, it's amazing, this vid. I mean, I had already seen it. I was impressed by its slashiness. But before I made the NHEM post, I had no context for any of these clips - like, I didn't realize that they were offering to have a threesome with that one girl, and when she refuses, they were going out arm in arm. I mean - seriously, I don't even know what to DO with that, except to assume that the brown-haired guy eventually got over his internalized homophobia. To which I can only say, "Go, brown-haired guy," because these two were clearly meant to be.

And, equally clearly, they are not heterosexual at all.

The One That Proves That If You Give a Vidder a Phallic Symbol, She Will Fuck a Character in the Ass with It. I Like That about Vidders. Tonight I'm Fucking You, by [ profile] talitha78. White Collar, Peter Burke/Neal Caffrey.

[ profile] thingswithwings described this show as classic slash, and it is. It is totally, totally classic slash, inexplicably transported to the modern day, so that we get to admire the suits instead of the sweaters. (Because, man, one thing I miss about the old '90s fandoms - they had great sweaters. Actually, I think they all had the same sweaters; I'm pretty sure I saw Methos wearing one of Jim Ellison's once.) And then the writers added a heaping helping of OT3 and kink, just to make sure we were happy.

I don't know about you, but I'm really happy.

White Collar is unusual in that the series premise has no real heterosexual explanation, so the entire show makes no sense unless you assume that there is, at minimum, a lot of not entirely heterosexual lustful thinking going on. So, you know, a compilation of visual NHEMs wouldn't really get to the heart of the lack of heterosexuality in White Collar. Fortunately, the queen of pairing vids was on the case. (Seriously, she's incredible. I keep a list of great pairing vids, and she made about a quarter of them.) What Talitha did was make a modern classic slash vid for the modern classic slash show. This is - this is exactly the essence of a slash vid, here. Check out that lollipop, people. And Peter's hip action. And all that eyefucking. (Hell, listen to the SONG. If there's ever been a more perfect song for a slash vid, I am not sure what it might be. I know this sentiment is frowned upon in vidding circles, but I would be up for a vid to this song in every single fandom.) And because this is a pairing that basically gets down on its knees and begs for kink - again, it's written into the series premise - there's also just a hint of kink. To whet your appetite. (God, I love cop fandoms; the handcuffs are always right there. Although White Collar, ever determined to advance the frontiers of the kind of subtext that isn't exactly sub, keeps the slave collar right there, too.)

There are so many things to love about this vid - how it encapsulates the slasher's eye, how it showcases Peter and Neal's body language, how it loves on Neal's looks until even I, the lone holdout in the Matt Bohmer Is Kind of Funny Looking Camp, believe he's beautiful.

But what I love most of all is how I cannot stop laughing at the vid at right around the one minute mark. That, right there: that is vidding perfection, people. Vidding and slash perfection.

The One That Proves That You Can't Keep a Good Starfleet Officer Down. (Unless of Course He Wants to Go down, in Which Case Good Luck Getting Him Up.) I Admire That about Starfleet. Dante's Prayer, by Killa, aka [ profile] killabeez. Star Trek: the Original Series, James Kirk/Spock. (Scroll down to the Star Trek section. You can leave comments right there at the sticky post!)

Making this set could have been excruciating for me. I should have been in agony, having to choose between Killa's TOS vids and her Highlander vids. Both shows are filled with NHEMs, both have pairings of great fannish heritage. But, well, this vid. It had to be this vid. (I talk more about my history with this vid here; spoilers in the post for TOS, Buffy, SG1, and Star Wars. Spoilers in the comments for everything. Everything, I tell you.)

Dante's Prayer isn't just a tribute to one of the great non-heterosexual pairings of our time; it's also a tribute to a whole No Heterosexual Explanation Plot. I mean, okay, I've seen enough of TOS to know that the Kirk/Spock is real. (There is no other explanation of the back rub scene, people. And you can't convince me that the emotion the empath lady is sensing here isn't love. I just - what else could it be? Attentive and Vulcan-appropriate interest in human sleep patterns?) But the movies, seriously, it's like the writers said to themselves, "It's really hard to take these two any further in terms of total lack of heterosexuality. But I feel like we should. Hmmm. Oh, hey, I know!"

Because, okay, (uh, SPOILER), Spock dies. And Kirk is completely and totally gutted - it takes, like, the entire engineering staff to keep him from going to Spock even though a) it wouldn't help Spock and b) it would kill all the rest of them. And then Kirk cheerfully sacrifices the things he loves best in the world (his ship, his career) to have a chance of getting Spock back.

That right there is one touching, tear-inducing, romantic, and totally heterosexuality-free plotline. And that's what this vid is all about. I mean, I loved this vid before I knew anything about Kirk or Spock. It's gorgeous. It's beautifully done. It takes two things I generally find hard to take in vids (very slow song without much of a beat, use of sound clips from the source) and makes them work so perfectly you can tell Killa is a master.

But these days, when I watch this vid, I can hardly see her skill. (Partly because, yes, okay, I'm a little teary, but we are ignoring that. Let's all just pretend I have dignity, please.) Because I'm just watching the story. For which, for the record, there is absolutely no heterosexual explanation whatsoever.

The One That Proves That Sometimes, the Reason Two Guys Keep Taking Each Other down Is So That They Can Fuck Once They're Winning. I Admire That about a Pairing. Bad Romance, by sisabet. Smallville and other Superman media. Clark Kent/Lex Luthor.

Oh, Lex. Oh, Lex. I just love you so much. And that means I love this vid even more, because this is - this is the ultimate Clark/Lex romantic showdown. Lex doesn't want to be friends. He either wants to fuck Clark or fuck him up. Or, ideally, both.

Now, I have no idea what Lex and Clark were like in the pre-Smallville era. (I was a Marvel girl, back when I was in comics fandom. If you want me to tell you about what Wolverine was like then, I am here for you. Mostly because you couldn't walk into the Marvel section of a comic book store without basically taking a Wolverine claw to the eye, but that is a whole other story.) I'm not sure if they were always absolutely and totally gay for each other, or if it was the fine writing prowess of the first season Smallville team, plus Michael what's-his-dick and Tom Welling, who changed the way we'd all see Clark and Lex forever. And I don't care. Because sisabet has created a retrospective that covers all the Clarks and all the Lexes, and she has managed to find the core of absolute and total sexual obsession in each one of them. It's amazing. It's a sweeping, epic, twisted gay love story covering most of a century. Set to Lady Gaga, which as far as I can tell is what Lady Gaga is for.

It's brilliant, basically. I love the mixed media of this - I can't help reading it as though Smallville Clark and Lex are the real ones, and the comic books and movies and animated shows and all the rest of it are made about them. (In my head, they get outed, and people make a lot of terrible movies and write unauthorized biographies about them, like the ones about Prince William and Kate formerly Middleton. Look, I cannot be held responsible for the contents of my head, people; there's all kinds of shit in there.) And this is their story! And it's, you know, kind of crazy, especially in Lex's corner, but let's face it, Clark is not a blameless party, here.

Anyway. Clark. Lex. No heterosexual explanation in the multiverse is enough for these guys. And that's why we love them. Or, okay, it's why I love them, but don't try to tell me you're in it for the nuanced exploration of superheroism as a metaphor, because I will not believe you.

Also posted at Dreamwidth, where there are comments.
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