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02 July 2004 @ 05:09 pm
Slashy Nominations 61: Smut's Winged Chariot Hurrying Near  
And by "chariot," I mean "car." Because, let's face it, we live a lot of our lives in cars. We kiss in cars, and fight in cars, and snack in cars, and, especially in our teen years, have sex in cars. And as in life, so in fan fiction. (Stop laughing immediately. I didn't say fan fiction was realistic, did I? No, I did not. I merely said it reflects our obsessions. If you believe you can successfully argue with that, go right ahead; I stand ready to defend my statement.)

Best FF That Puts a Hair Care Product to a Use That Paul Mitchell Would Never Approve. I Think.: Cool in the Backseat, by witchbaby, aka brooklinegirl. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Sex. In a car. Plus some other stuff. Really, when a story has a title like that, I don't think I should have to write a summary for you to know what's going to happen. But I do believe you'll be deeply impressed with what these guys manage to do in a car; I'm not sure how many couples aside from Fraser-the-perfect and Kowalski-the-graceful could have successful anal sex in the backseat of a Pontiac GTO. Trust me when I tell you that any kind of automotive engagement, never mind what happens here, requires skill and talent in some amount far greater than I possess. (There's a guy who is probably still limping and bruised who can testify that combining a backseat, a hardcover Biology textbook, and me is an act both unwise and very, very painful.) So be in awe, folks, of what Ben 'n' Ray manage to pull off in this story. Um, so to speak.

Best FF in Which Sex Is Prevented by the Untimely Intervention of a Car Alarm: Diversionary Tactics, by shrift. Sports Night, Casey McCall/Danny Rydell. Why yes, I do intend to continue recommending Sports Night fic. The SN Cult has me in its clutches, and I will not rest until every single person on this earth is reading SN FF. And, see, this is what is both beautiful and terrible about the Cult: I'm doing this because I know you'll be happier when you've succumbed. (Unless you get hold of some of the depressing SN stories, because those are like a kick to the gut, or possibly even like a blow to the genitals from the pointy part of a hardcover Biology textbook. But I'm no sadist; I'll warn you when I'm linking to one of those.) This is a happy story, and it is absolutely chock full of cars. (Public Service Announcement: we residents of Los Angeles would prefer it if visitors to this fine city did not use their cellular phones on the 405. Trust me, it's scary enough watching you folks merge without the knowledge that three-quarters of your brain is back home, and half of what's left is trying to figure out if that's Ryan Seacrest on the radio. (It isn't. It's his clone. We think, although we are afraid to get close enough to check.) So, please, unless you're Danny Rydell, stay off the phone when you're in traffic. Thank you. Love, the Los Angeles troglodytes.)

Best FF in Which the Two Characters Argue about Whether They're Gay or Not, Pause to Have Gay Sex, and Then Return to the Argument, Apparently Somehow Unaware That Said Argument Has Been Definitely Overtaken by Events: Orange Crush, by Annie Sewell-Jennings, aka anniesj. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike/Xander. This story is actually the second in a series that I think of as the Random Song Title Series. I don't know if it actually has a name. You might want to read the first story, A Lesson in Principles, before you read this one, although I do think that "Orange" could, despite references to what happened in "Lesson," stand alone. This story is based on an old tradition - sex in a crappy American car. I don't know why that's such a classic activity, but it is. Maybe people worry less about staining the upholstery when the car already sucks. (Get ready for a really impressive, top-notch, professional-quality transition here.) Sucks, in fact, like Spike does, only not in this story, which doesn't suck at all. (Yes, that was some excellent writing, there. Nothing quite like the knowledge of a job well done, is there?)

Best FF That Features the Phrase "Mi Dildo Es Su Dildo," Which, Frankly, I Don't Think Should Ever Be Uttered by Anyone: Toy Story, by Alanna, aka bayleaf. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. Yes, it's an all-TV-show recommendations set! Apparently television characters are big on the car sex concept. Or maybe I'm just a helpless TV show fangirl. Whichever. This story wins two prizes from me. First, the Chutzpah Award, for portraying sex in a car parked in a police station's garage. How many people have done that? (Note that I said people, not fan fiction characters; I could assemble almost a complete nominations set built around this concept alone.) And, second, the Mysterious Lack of Chutzpah Award, because I think we can all enjoy the spectacle of Blair getting embarrassed in a sex toy shop. Evidently Blair never learned the girl decoy trick, where you give a girl the money and a detailed description of the dildo or vibrator you want and halfway through you realize this is actually worse than telling a stranger and you should've just shopped on the internet, because the girl is laughing so hard complete strangers keep wanting to give her seizure medication. At least she's laughing that hard when she's me. I'm sure those in the audience are much kinder to their male friends on these occasions.
the upper echelons of mediocritythe_star_fish on July 2nd, 2004 06:53 pm (UTC)
Hi, it's me again. I don't mean to be a know-it-all, it's just you keep mentioning my friends ... *g*

Alanna is bayleaf but she doesn't have a fic site. Which is a damn shame, but there you are.
tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 2nd, 2004 07:44 pm (UTC)
Hey, I'm a big fan of know-it-alls, especially when it comes to LJ names. And, yes, it is a damn shame Alanna doesn't have a site. As her friend, you should admonish her. It is a sacred duty of friendship!
A Certain Ms Uneslemslempike on July 3rd, 2004 03:35 am (UTC)
Oh, oh my. Toy Story is so very, very hot. I now realise that I can never actually watch the series becasue it will disappoint too much. You know, 'toys' could be an award category that might be good. Uh, in a very distant, academic kind of interest way, of course.

And I completely feel that it's wrong to mention AF in such surroundings, but how are you getting on with Marlows and the Traitor?
tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 3rd, 2004 09:56 am (UTC)
Toys would indeed be a fascinating nominations set. I can think of a couple of candidates for that set right now.

*evil pondering of sexy stories*

And oh, god, I completely forgot to tell you about the Forrest book. Look for an email coming your way soon.
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tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 3rd, 2004 08:34 pm (UTC)
That icon is hysterical. Just so you know. (Who is that, by the way?)

And I have opened "Good Vibrations," but it may take me a while to work up to reading it, because...a Horatio Hornblower story called "Good Vibrations" is just...odd. But if it makes you drool, I must read it, so I will get there in time.
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tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 3rd, 2004 09:38 pm (UTC)
"Longitude" like Dava Sobel's book? Did they make a TV miniseries out of that?

And I'll be the first to admit that I don't know much about iconage (all my icons are due to the amazing, wondrous, nigh-perfect norah), but "adorable little slut" sounds like a lovely icon caption to me. I can actually think of, um, several people who deserve such a caption.
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tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 4th, 2004 07:46 pm (UTC)
Huh. Well, I'll probably stick to just the book, because I am not very familiar with Sam West. Although I will admit, just juging by the icon, that he can summon up more dignity than most people could in a hat like that.

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tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 4th, 2004 07:47 pm (UTC)
Naturally I want your toy story links. I have an overwhelming link need. I'm sure you already know this.

Iphiginia Saberhagenfanofall on July 3rd, 2004 09:08 am (UTC)
Oh, GOD. I'm laughing so hard I have tears.

And they're all my fandoms! YAY! That's it; we were separated at birth, or something.
tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 3rd, 2004 10:02 am (UTC)
Which story was it that got you laughing?

And, yeah, no surprise they're all your fandoms, since you converted me to one and a half of them. The Procurator-General at work!

(Separated at birth? Really? Because if we are, and we're also LJ spouses, then...ew. I think they prosecute for that. But, hey, bright side: if we're separated at birth type persons, then you must also be a long-lost mystery relative of norah. Which suggests to me that her family really needs to put radio tracking devices on all its members. I mean, anyone can lose track of one family member. But two? Clear case of negligence.)
Iphiginia Saberhagenfanofall on July 3rd, 2004 10:19 am (UTC)
Yeah, okay, we're not from any place that practices interfamily marriage. Because that's just gross. But still. You see my point...

Hey, I take full responsibility for SportsNight, but are you laying BUFFY at my feet too? Because I didn't *convert* you so much as show you what the liturgy *meant* (in keeping with the religious theme). So I'm not sure I can take the blame, there. Also? YOU, my friend, are SOLELY, WHOLLY, and COMPLETELY responsible for my due South love. So there. :-P

And it wasn't even the stories that had me cracking up! It was the blurbs that you wrote!
tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 3rd, 2004 08:40 pm (UTC)
I said one and a half, and I meant one and a half. Because while, yes, I did technically volunteer for Buffy on my own, you were the person who made me understand, like, the last half of it. To continue with the religious metaphor, I was only conversant with the Old Testament, and you got me up to speed on the new one. Hence, half attributable to you.

And if I got you into due South, that is a good thing, for it is a marvelous fandom, filled with friendly people and OTPs and sarcastic half-wolves. Really, can it get any better? Also, if I only got you into dS, then clearly I owe you half a fandom. So you should give me a list of all your fandoms, so that I know which one of mine to start pushing.

(I'm glad you liked the blurbs for the stories. And thank you for telling me. Validation is just such a wonderful thing, is it not? I'm all proud: I made fanofall laugh!)
Iphiginia Saberhagenfanofall on July 3rd, 2004 08:42 pm (UTC)
Okay, wow. List of fandoms.

Do you want that here or via e-mail?

And as for "half a fandom", I have clearly lost my mind, because I completely forgot about M&C, which is what brought us to this state in the first place.

I wish there were more Aubrey/Maturin fic. *sigh*
tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 3rd, 2004 08:53 pm (UTC)
Here or email is good, either way. But I must have it immediately, so I know how I can corrupt - or rather, enlighten - you further.

There should indeed be more M&C fic (did I get you into M&C?). I have long considered kidnapping my favorite FF writers until they write stories in fandoms I consider to be woefully under-represented in fan fiction. Two of these fandoms are M&C and Sports Night. Now that you know that, do you want to help me? I will provide the elaborate plan and maniacal laughter if you provide the secret dungeon hideaway featuring a hideously complex security system, an extremely thorough library, an assortment of inspirational photos, and a computer driven by water-generated power.
Iphiginia Saberhagenfanofall on July 3rd, 2004 09:07 pm (UTC)
Wow, I am SO on board with teh ev0l plan. And it will give me something to do. I've always wanted to be a minion!

Okay, fandoms:
Very first fandom EVAH!: Angel (Cordelia/Angel. Shuddup.)
Followed shortly by: Buffy (initially Buffy/Spike, but then I was shown the light, i.e., slash, and now it's Xander/Spike, who are totally my OTP there)
And then I became, as shrift calls it, a crackhead. And my very quiet, docile little fic life jumped into crazy-gear, and now I read:
Smallville (have you SEEN Michael Rosenbaum?)
Master&Commander (and, yes, that's TOTALLY your fault)
The Sentinel (They're just. So. OMGtheirloveissopure!!!!11.111111.!!eleven1!!)
due South (Fraser/RayK, because I can't see Vecchio sleeping with a guy)
Lord of the Rings (I know how you feel about hobbits, so we'll just leave this alone)
SportsNight (Danny! Casey! SO IN LOVE!)
And the occasional foray into the fandoms of other shows I watch: Alias, Justice League, Star Trek (shuddup again), Highlander, West Wing, etc.

I'm going to burn in hell for all eternity, aren't I? *facepalm*
tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 3rd, 2004 09:52 pm (UTC)
Cordelia/Angel. Shuddup.

I will remain quiet about the Cordelia/Angel. We all have our strange little weaknesses.

...but then I was shown the light, i.e., slash...

Am I the only person who started reading het long after she started reading slash? Slash was, like, the natural version of FF for me; het has always seemed, well, strangely perverted.

...have you SEEN Michael Rosenbaum?

No, actually, I have not seen Michael Rosenbaum. Who is Michael Rosenbaum? What is he? That all the fans commend him? (And don't think you're going to get me into Smallville, because I already have more TV fandoms than TV shows I've watched.)

I'm going to burn in hell for all eternity, aren't I?

Certainly not. (At least not until I add, um, a couple more fandoms to that list.)

I've always wanted to be a minion!

You are not a minion. You are the Procurator-General, and don't you forget it.

But, yeah, let's get right to work on that evil plan thing, only not here where our victims can see us. To the email! Charge!
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tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 3rd, 2004 09:59 pm (UTC)
DVD Player: check. But you will have to share with my Best Beloved, unless fanofall is willing to contribute hers to the cause.

Grog: check. But I'll have you know I dock for failure to behave licentiously.

Shower: check. However, our shower may not be on the bunny route, as I have spent significant time in there and never been bitten even once. By bunnies, that is.

36 hours in every day: um, sorry, no. But the Evil Plan will require you to quit your job. That's bound to free up some time.

And of course you may bring your own library to add to the collection. The more the merrier, I say, although frankly we are running out of wall space for bookshelves in this house. So if you know something about carpentry, that would be a very good thing; we could have built in floor-to-ceiling shelves everywhere, and that might help a bit.

Wait. fanofall is providing the dungeon. I'm sure she'll come up with something spacious. Bring all the materials you want!

Now get cracking on the M&C and SN. I'll have you know that we have whips, and we are not afraid to use them.
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(no subject) - thefourthvine on July 3rd, 2004 10:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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Iphiginia Saberhagenfanofall on July 3rd, 2004 08:44 pm (UTC)
tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 3rd, 2004 08:46 pm (UTC)
See, now I have to love you forever, because you quoted The Importance of Being Earnest. It isn't like I didn't already love you for a) writing excellent Master & Commander FF and b) writing one particular story featuring a wombat (yay wombats!), but now the love is, like, all-encompassing.

So I hope you do not mind becoming the third entry on the list of LJ People I Love, and Will Have to Marry to Avoid Scandal, Provided They Are Not My Long-Lost Relatives, Which They Probably Are.
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tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 3rd, 2004 10:20 pm (UTC)
True. I failed to give you credit for one and a half wombats. But that's because of personal wombat trauma: I so badly wanted the wombat icon from "Port Jackson," and by the time I got there, someone else had claimed it. I will probably have to have intensive therapy to recover.

Wombats are NOT funny. They are the essence of all that is right with the world, as are dogs and red pandas, and if there was any justice at all I would have one with me now. Admittedly, it would probably be chewing through my walls, but still.

And I very much resent the implication that I wouldn't know who Banjo Paterson was, or have heard of "Clancy of the Overflow." (Although I went back and re-read it when you mentioned Banjo/Clancy - I read it many years ago, when I was innocent and had not yet discovered the Magic of Subtext - and my god. That is a seriously slashy poem, there; even my Best Beloved agrees. I'm not normally one for the RPS, but, well, let's just say that poet RPS is my Achilles heel, and I totally see the Banjo/Clancy now.)

Sheep are indeed funny, but you can't beat wombats for raising the moral and aesthetic tone of a piece. My feelings about other Australian fauna, as requested:
  • Kangaroos. Capable of looking extremely put-upon. Have Tyrannosaurus rex arms, and look silly as a result.
  • Goannas. Sleek. Cute. Self-satisfied. Not exclusively Australian, though.
  • Cockatoos. No. Just, no.
  • Quokkas. Shockingly cute, and Australians will forever bear the shame of giving such adorable animals a name that sounds like a dog barfing.
  • Witchetty grubs. I'm not eating them. No. Absolutely not. I'm not enthusiastic about them otherwise - frankly, they look exactly like a miniature version of the small intestine - but I'll tolerate their presence in limited quantities as long as no one expects me to eat them.
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tried to eat the safe banana: thefourthvinethefourthvine on July 4th, 2004 09:25 pm (UTC)
I am definitely not in Australia; I'm in California, which some people would argue is part of the United States.

I assume that everyone raised in one of Britain's offshoots or relatives (Canada, NZ, etc.) has heard of Banjo Paterson. Right? Which, by extension, suggests that they would also have heard of Clancy, since if you're going to discuss Paterson at all there's two other names that will come ineluctably to mind: Clancy (because that was the start of his poetic career, wasn't it?) and Matilda (for obvious reasons). Are these people who do the tentacle look not native speakers of English?

Or is the tentacle look because of the idea of Banjo/Clancy slash? I could understand that, because not everyone has yet awakened to the Force of Slash (and, really, such people deserve our pity rather than our censure). Slashers, though, I think would get it the instant they read that poem. It should actually come with a label: subtext ahoy! (Said label would also be useful with M&C. Or, really, any canon involving the British Navy. And most books for boys written before 1955.)

Did you know that there are candy witchetty grubs?

Well, no, but I can't say I'm surprised. Australians seem prone to food perversions.

Actually, it makes sense. I mean, we've got Gummi worms; why shouldn't you have Gummi grubs? (Are they, in fact, Gummi-type candy? Or are they, like, a hard crunchy candy, which would be infinitely worse?)
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(no subject) - thefourthvine on July 6th, 2004 09:41 am (UTC) (Expand)