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21 January 2005 @ 12:48 am
Rant: Enough Already  
Life has been unkind to me and mine lately, which has driven me straight into the logophagic part of acquiring a very large new fandom. As always, it's making me testy. During these periods, I read an enormous number of stories, and I'm usually trying to back-engineer the canon, and, well, I'm not at my all-time most tolerant. Which, let's face it, is not really all that tolerant anyway. In short, it's time for another mean-spirited FF rant.



Lube. Lube is important. Crucial, even. I admire authors who take the time to lubricate their characters before anal sex. But there are some kinds of lube that are worse than none at all. In other words, please no more soap as lube ever ever ever. I mean, unless you want it to hurt like hell. (Shampoo is also out, folks. And do I need to explain why hair gel is a bad idea? Well, obviously I do, as I recently read a story involving just that thing, but surely most people understand that "sticky styling product" is not synonymous with "Astroglide," right?) Because, look - if you're going to make me curl up from flashes of sympathy pain, don't you want it to be deliberate? Helpful rule of thumb for lube: if you're gonna get creative, try it on yourself before you try it on your characters. (You're excused if you once had to deal with the aftermath of a friend grabbing the toothpaste instead of the spermicide, because, trust me, you see that once, you don't ever make that mistake yourself. In fact, you seriously consider labeling all your toiletries in Braille, on the off chance that a blind person ever wants to find lube in your bathroom and doesn't think to ask you.)

Cum. "Come." It's spelled "come," goddammit. And don't tell me it's confusing to have it spelled the same as an entirely different word. You speak English. You should be used to this. And if you can't tell from context whether it means "have an orgasm" or "move toward something," you don't speak the English language after all, so you're in no position to be making changes to it. Plus, if we never use "cum" to mean "semen" again, we'll never be confronted with the non-word "precum," which, in addition to being absolutely horrible, always makes me reach reflexively for my Latin-English dictionary. So know that when you spell it c-u-m you're giving some of us painful flashbacks to Latin classes so boring that, by the end of one of them, we could totally empathize with what it's like to be dead for two thousand years. (And by the end of four of them, we were envying Latin, which at least got to be used in orgies and stuff before it died. The best we got was slides, which I had never seen used as a teaching aid prior to this class.)

Per se. It is pronounced "per say." It is not written that way. Or purr say, or persey, or any of the other mutations your mind creates. Seriously. I suffered through two years of the aforementioned Latin class to learn facts like this. Make my childhood boredom worth something; use and spell your Latin phrases correctly. Or, hell, just leave them out altogether. I won't complain. (And you know, the worst part about the slides was that we almost never got to see them, because the teacher couldn't work anything that was manufactured after Diocletian died. When your career has reached the point where it takes three eleven-year-old girls to get your tie disentangled from a fucking slide projector, sir, it's time to find a new career. Or just stop showing slides. We all already know what the Coliseum looks like.)

Watch the cock. I know. You're thinking, wait, that's pretty much all slashers do, right? But I meant that you should be watching the cock's progress. If, the last time we heard tell of it, a given cock was slowly hardening, it should not be achingly hard one kiss later; it makes me highly suspicious of the cock's ability to stay the course. (Of course, if that's the point of your story, go you.) Likewise, if you're writing a detailed sex scene, try to have some actual sex in it. Too many stories these days go like this: 3 paragraphs of kissing, 4 paragraphs of increasingly intense groping and licking, 1 sentence of penetration, 1 sentence of mutual orgasm (which is generally blindingly incredible and often involves screaming), and then 4 paragraphs of afterglow. If that's happening in your story, you have a problem with pacing. Or your character has a problem with premature ejaculation, I suppose.

Akin to terror. What's related to terror? Fear, horror, dread, panic, and alarm, just to get you started. So if there's all these terms related to terror, why not use one of them? Don't just tell me that a given emotion is "akin to terror." Get specific! Either the character is terrified, in which case say so, or he's something else, in which case, hell, go crazy and tell me exactly what that is. Otherwise I'm forced to wonder about you - I mean, you know twenty-four synonyms for sexually aroused and not one for terror? Are you even from this planet?

Bruises. First: bruises are not sexy. They aren't. If you don't believe me, examine yourself the next time you have one. Second: it is easy to bruise someone's neck or breasts with your teeth. It's a lot, lot harder to bruise someone's hips with your fingers. Seriously. Dirty looks will occasionally bruise my Best Beloved, but does that mean I leave finger-shaped bruises every time we have sex? No. No, it does not, and that's because it's not easy to do. Nor is this whole bruising gig something that works for most pairings. (Yes, I'm sure Keller and Beecher bruise each other; for them, that's actually playing nice. But we love those guys 'cause they're not normal.) I think (I hope) writers sometimes use "bruise" to mean something else - pressing hard enough to turn the skin white, leaving the skin flushed and red when the pressure is lifted again. But some authors are definitely talking about real, actual bruising, and unless your characters have platelet disorders, it's just not that likely. Major exception: this is OK in Smallville, as long as it is Clark who is doing the bruising. Please, unless someone can explain to me why it makes sense ('cause, hey, no canon expert here), let's never again have stories in which Lex bruises Clark without benefit of kryptonite.

They don't like to watch. Here's a tip: straight men do not typically feel comfortable when their gay male friends have sex in their presence. They certainly don't carry on a conversation with whichever friend has his mouth free of encumbrance. But it's a sign of acceptance, you cry! The pairing guys are showing how comfortable they are with their new-found sexual identity, and the observers are showing their tolerance! Um. No. Because - let me put it this way. People, just in general, do not feel comfortable watching their friends get it on. (There's an exception here for certain straight men and their lesbian friends. A mildly irritating exception. Moving on.) It has nothing to do with tolerance and everything to do with, you know, boundaries and culture. Don't like that? Get off on an uninvolved, uninterested person watching? Make up a brand new culture or alien race, sister, because it won't work in a story set in modern America (and this is just a guess, but it probably won't work in most of the rest of the first world, either). And, for the record, most people are not comfortable being watched, either. Sex is not a spectator sport, for the very good reason that it looks stupid a lot of the time; let's leave the characters their dignity, shall we? I mean, unless you're deliberately taking it away, in which case, hey - go you.

Like a virgin. Or not. If you're painting a modern-day character over the age of - oh, I'll be generous and say 25 - as a virgin, unless that person is a nun or something I'm going to need a lot of back story. A fuckload, in fact. You want to say it's the first time Daniel Jackson has had sex with a man? I'm fine with that, willing to buy that, happy to go with it. If you're telling me that an encounter in a series-time story is the first time that Daniel has ever had sex, though, um - he was married. Among other subtle clues that he might have had sex at some point in his past. So come up with a brilliant explanation or surrender the virginity, please. And, really, what's so wonderful about losing one's virginity? I've done that. It wasn't, shall we say, pleasant. Now, partly that had to do with the circumstances, but it mostly had to do with the fact that it was my first time. I've gotten better at sex since then. Way, way better, and I mean in the enjoyment as well as the technique sense. And, really, I sort of like the characters to have the same advantage. So, look. If you want to write about virgins, write HP or pre-canon stories or something. I can believe in virginity in those cases, although I adore authors who write that first time as awkward, bad, and stupid as it often is. But please don't tell me that Blair Sandburg is a virgin at 28. Or Angel, who we saw have sex in canon back on Buffy, and who is three hundred years old. Or, god help us, Christopher Fucking Keller, who has earned that honorary middle name in a variety of ways. (And yes, I've read – well, skimmed parts of - stories making just that claim for all those guys.) First time in love? Fine for some characters. First time with the same sex? Fine with most characters. First time in a long time? Perfectly acceptable in many cases. First time, period? No. Please. No.

Think I missed something? Previous FF rants are here, here, and here.

Got some FF bitching to get off your chest? Share in the comments section. I like to know I'm not alone in my insanity.

Hate me and want to make sure I know it? Remember to flame with class.
Tags: [rant]
 
 
 
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tried to eat the safe banana: Swoonthefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 12:26 am (UTC)
Hmmm. Well, I see that I sort of implied you're a proto-nun, but that wasn't my intention. See, I know people who were virgins at or after 25 who had no special yen for a wimple. I just can't think of many fictional characters who could possibly be. Modern ones, I mean. Because, well, let's face it: fictional people have way more interesting lives than we do, and that's because they didn't have to live them. We have pasts. They have backstories. So in high school they didn't have to suffer fits of insecurity and pop zits and write bad poetry, unless it advanced a plot; they could go right to the fascinating, romantic, traumatic, or impressive (delete as necessary) major life events. In college, they didn't have to write those papers and get that nap and bicker with roommates over who ate whose ramen. And so on.

So, yeah, people can surely be virgins at 25. But not most characters. And definitely not Blair or Daniel or Angel or Keller.
(no subject) - janissa11 on January 21st, 2005 04:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 12:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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tried to eat the safe banana: UF indigo girlsthefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 12:35 am (UTC)
I hereby amend the statement to read "Bruises are not sexy, except to commodorified, and she's got excellent taste, so perhaps we should examine this concept much more closely."

But speaking for myself, I don't so much want to lick his (and who is that, anyway?) jaw as slap some antibiotic cream on it. Go ahead, call me dull and totally unromantic. It's hardly news.

(I will admit, though, that ligature marks, including bruising, can sometimes be sexy, provided they came about in a totally consensual way.)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on January 21st, 2005 02:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 12:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on January 21st, 2005 03:10 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - howifall on January 21st, 2005 04:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 12:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 12:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 01:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 03:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 01:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 03:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 05:52 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - musesfool on January 21st, 2005 07:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - imkalena on January 21st, 2005 08:56 am (UTC) (Expand)
I'm just saying... - maygra on January 21st, 2005 10:01 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - imkalena on January 21st, 2005 05:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - imkalena on January 24th, 2005 08:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - butterfly on January 21st, 2005 09:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
Mandy: Intimate Inmategeneticallydead on January 21st, 2005 12:20 am (UTC)
oh man. now I have to delete a whole Oz fic. it's called Christoper 'The Virgin' Keller Experiments With Lube. cause I was thinking, you know, lube in Oz: problem. so I was going to have him try out some dishwashing detergent, or maybe a nice oily salad dressing, or sneak into the factories and steal some machine grease.

I've always thought shaving cream was a good idea. perhaps shoe polish? toothpaste - you got that one, but what about some kind of paste with flour and water...?

and as for the whole 'bruise' thing, if Keller and Beecher aren't actually bruising each other, or even drawing blood, then I'm just plain disappointed.

tried to eat the safe banana: Sharethefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 12:41 am (UTC)
Hee. No. You need to write that one. Definitely. Yes.

(And, not to change the subject, but do you have all your fic archived anywhere? It's hard to find your stuff, and I feel all deprived.)

Flour and water - hmmm. Well, that's how you make paste, so I'm thinking it'd be pretty damn sticky. (And cornstarch and water is highly entertaining - you can make a fascinating substance that switches from solid to liquid and back again at room temperature, which entertained me for hours when I was wee - but definitely not lubricating.)

And I'm totally with you on Keller and Beecher bruising each other, you know that. Because they don't so much wear their hearts on their sleeves as just blood. Usually someone else's, and often each other's. But they are, you know, special. (And I mean "special" as in "take special care in handling; venemous and prone to biting.")
(no subject) - geneticallydead on January 21st, 2005 02:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 03:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - swear_jar on January 21st, 2005 12:52 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - soralin on January 21st, 2005 10:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
hot dog wreath: so's your face!!!!1helpwess on January 21st, 2005 12:22 am (UTC)
i was so disappointed in zach braff for subtitling, "he's gonna cum," not "come." zach! no! you made me cringe!
tried to eat the safe banana: Words.thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 01:31 am (UTC)
Well, I'm not familiar with the specific situation, but if it makes you feel better (because I am all for making people who have had close encounters with that unfortunate word feel better; we've suffered enough) - it's possible that Zach Braff wasn't directly responsible. Usually subtitling is done by someone at the, for example, DVD producing company or wherever. And, judging by my many experiments with subtitles (I'd rather read than hear, even with movie dialog, or at least read and hear), it's never done all that well.

Um. Or I could just say: "Bad boy, Braff," and leave it there. Yeah, that'd probably be better.
(no subject) - helpwess on January 21st, 2005 04:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
like using semaphore at the drive thru: Blue Menprettyshiny on January 21st, 2005 12:34 am (UTC)
I am SO adding this to the group memories for slashforum. Just thought I'd share.
tried to eat the safe banana: UF bluethefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 01:33 am (UTC)
Ooo, neat. Thank you! (And thanks for telling me.)
(no subject) - prettyshiny on January 21st, 2005 08:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
that'll give you bees: Misc - Eddie knows your Dadzoetrope on January 21st, 2005 12:34 am (UTC)
Brilliant - all so true.

And, as a little example of my own horrors, I recently read a story in which sea water was used as lube. Now I can't talk from personal experience here, but I'm thinking *ouch*.
tried to eat the safe banana: Sharethefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 01:39 am (UTC)
Sea water? That'd be a big yes on the ouchiness. (I'm actually annoyingly obsessive about lube, and those who know me can testify to this at disturbing length; I once had a minor hissy fit when I was betaing a story in which the characters had sex in a swimming pool without lube (it was in character), all "gotta change it 'cause that hurts hurts hurts ouch bad memories ow!" I'm, like, the Lube Facist or something. It's a personal shame, but not a major one.)
(no subject) - sockkpuppett on January 21st, 2005 06:27 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - brynwulf on January 21st, 2005 06:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kassrachel on January 21st, 2005 07:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
Mayo?? - prettyshiny on January 21st, 2005 09:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
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Re: Mayo?? - prettyshiny on January 21st, 2005 09:30 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Mayo?? - brynwulf on January 21st, 2005 04:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Mayo?? - atalantapendrag on January 21st, 2005 03:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Mayo?? - brynwulf on January 21st, 2005 04:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 03:52 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - brynwulf on January 21st, 2005 04:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 04:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
ouch to the thought of slat water. - raveninthewind on January 21st, 2005 08:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: ouch to the thought of slat water. - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 04:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
jellybeans and bloodspatter: I am le sheep. Wellswear_jar on January 21st, 2005 12:47 am (UTC)
They don't like to watch.

You know what? That is so true. Seriously. My best (male) friend and his girlfriend used to kiss in front of me every now and then in their lovey-dovey stage, and... it's seriously not very comfortable. You don't know where to look.

Of coarse, there's always the exception of voyeuristic kink stories, or the classic Oz plot device "people watching Beecher and Keller getting it on".

Or, god help us, Christopher Fucking Keller, who has earned that honorary middle name in a variety of ways.

::FACEDESK::. Hello disregard for CANON. He’s… emphatically NOT a virgin (in… any way).

People. Stupid. It's almost funny, really.
tried to eat the safe banana: Huh?thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 01:49 am (UTC)
My best (male) friend and his girlfriend used to kiss in front of me every now and then in their lovey-dovey stage, and... it's seriously not very comfortable. You don't know where to look.

I'm not proud of this, but I once had sex with a guy solely to avoid this situation; his friend and my friend were having sex in the backseat of my car, and we were parked in the middle of nowhere, and they were taking forever, and I barely knew the guy and we had nothing to talk about (see: not proud of this), so I was like, "Well, um...sex? Better than dying of awkwardness, I'm thinking."

In other words, I'm right there with you on the discomfort. I mean, I was guilty of excessive public displays of affection in my wayward youth, but at least I know better now.

Of coarse, there's always the exception of voyeuristic kink stories, or the classic Oz plot device "people watching Beecher and Keller getting it on".

Well, sure, yeah. That totally works. I just can't take situations in which you have Character A and Character B totally getting it on while Character B also chats casually about football with his friend Character C, who is cheerfully ignoring the heaving passionate writhing going on two feet from him. But voyeurism kink? Oh, yeah, right there with you. Anyone in Oz watching B and K? Well, the whole place is made out of glass, and it's not like they all have important meetings to get to or anything; of course they're gonna watch.

Hello disregard for CANON. He’s… emphatically NOT a virgin (in… any way).

I know. He's got, like, antivirginity or something - not only is he not not not a virgin, but wherever he goes he destroys virginity in novel, interesting, and sometimes explosive ways.
(no subject) - swear_jar on January 21st, 2005 01:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - brynwulf on January 21st, 2005 06:49 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - swear_jar on January 21st, 2005 05:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Andrasteandrastewhite on January 21st, 2005 01:06 am (UTC)
Major exception: this is OK in Smallville

Or, you know, if you had another pairing involving an alien who can break chains with his bear hands and lift grown men over his head when he's in a bad mood. I'm pretty sure half of my B5 OTP would have to make an effot not to leave bruises on the other half during sex. And I have to confess I'm also in the 'bruises can be sexy' camp, although only for that pairing so far. Some couples are just weird, y'know?
tried to eat the safe banana: Greek to methefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 01:56 am (UTC)
Oh, surely. I don't know from B5, but if you've got a super-strong character, bruises are all fine and dandy. In fact, going back to SV ('cause I'm at least a bit familiar with that), in the beginning I'd sort of expect it from Clark, just because he never seems to be in perfect control of his powers.

Hell, I'd accept bruises in Han Solo/Chewbacca. The very concept of that pairing makes me want to stab myself in the head, yes, but if it did happen, there could well be bruises.

And I have to confess I'm also in the 'bruises can be sexy' camp

Dang. People with excellent taste keep revising my opinion of bruises. Proposed amendment to former statement: bruises are potentially sexy, at least in some cases, but still not very probable in human/human sex. I think that works better, yes?
(no subject) - brown_betty on January 21st, 2005 07:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 04:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - brown_betty on January 21st, 2005 04:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - andrastewhite on January 23rd, 2005 12:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
Glennhypertwink on January 21st, 2005 03:25 am (UTC)
I agree with you. One of my worst peeves is the lube part. I'm a gay man so I kinda know what feels good or not. Even if you've been together for long a little lube goes a long way. You can't just spit and voila, it's way deep into the ass.

And please, if you really want to know, KY definitely. Baby oil and lotion, if you're desperate. But no chapstick, no blood (well, unless you're Angel and Spike and even then, that's pishing it) and no motor oil!!!
post-apocalypse shenanigans: Vin B4 10brynwulf on January 21st, 2005 06:52 am (UTC)
Ok, seriously curious. Since Brian and Dom ALWAYS have motor oil handy, I actually would use it, if circumstances dictated. And I'm a lube stickly, myself. Especially NO SWIMMING POOLS WITHOUT LUBE. But, I kinda thought motor oil was ok. Granted, I haven't tried it. Maybe I should then I'd know what I'm talking about. Research. Research. Research.
(no subject) - hypertwink on January 21st, 2005 09:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - brynwulf on January 21st, 2005 09:18 am (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - hypertwink on January 21st, 2005 09:39 am (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - hypertwink on January 21st, 2005 09:59 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on January 21st, 2005 03:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hypertwink on January 21st, 2005 09:33 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - brynwulf on January 21st, 2005 09:39 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hypertwink on January 21st, 2005 09:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kelliem on January 21st, 2005 10:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
QUestion - raveninthewind on January 21st, 2005 09:00 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: QUestion - hypertwink on January 21st, 2005 09:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - layered on January 21st, 2005 03:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 04:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
the upper echelons of mediocritythe_star_fish on January 21st, 2005 04:59 am (UTC)
Yay! Well said!!

(I must confess that in the early days of my slash career I took the advice of a popular website and used soap as lube ... I was promptly corrected by not one but two readers and ended up changing it to conditioner (motel room, no supplies, etc.). Now that I really understand why lube is so very very essential I cringe at the thought of ever going without it.)

What's the new fandom?
tried to eat the safe banana: UF greythefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC)
I was promptly corrected by not one but two readers

Well, that's one great thing about FF: very sharp learning curve. For the good writers, anyway.

And the new fandom is Stargate. Of course, that's not all I'm reading, and these peeves don't all come from there by any means. But learning a big new fandom usually ups my reading enough that I finally post one of these rants.
Ruricruric on January 21st, 2005 05:18 am (UTC)
Hate me and want to make sure I know it?

More to the point I think I have just fallen passionately in love with your ability to conduct an intelligent, witty rant which made me snigger in many places (not something I should be doing at work)! I'll be reading the previous rants at home tonight, because weeping with laughter whilst at work - not such a good idea :o)

100% with you on everything - but I *loved* your comments on lube, cum/precum (::like you reflexively reach for Latin dictionaries!) and like a virgin. Heh.

It's been a busy, evil week here so this was just what I needed to give me a lift this lunchtime!

I'm also enjoying your continued erudite recs posts, which I am stockpiling for when I have time to read!
tried to eat the safe banana: Big eyesthefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 04:50 pm (UTC)
Oooo, thank you. I am loved! And I helped with a busy and evil week!

*wriggles with joy*

(And I am so glad to know that other people came out of their schooling careers with Latin twitch reflexes. I've hid my disgrace, but no more; in the future, I will be open and honest and tell people that I am a survivor of Latin classes. The shame will not silence me!)
aliquid stat pro aliquomaygra on January 21st, 2005 05:22 am (UTC)
Lube: {falls over laughing} Okay, check. Got that. :::giggles insanely:::

Also, with the bruises are sexy camp -- which generally follows the "Rough sex is sexy" camp. Also with the not quite consensual or entirely non-consensual camp that twitches on the reminders camp. And on the TMI side, I am one of those people who bruises really easily: fair skin, prone to running into things...Gets bruises in non-bruisingish places like *hands*. (Justifies madly...)

Watch the Cock...in minute and excrutiating detail, I fear.

See, this is the perfect rant because now, in all those instances where I am tempted to write The Bad Things, I will be laughing my ass off and be unable to actually write The Bad Things. Because usually, humor is not what I'm going for.

:::applauds the fourthvine::


post-apocalypse shenanigans: Vin B4 10brynwulf on January 21st, 2005 06:56 am (UTC)
*holy snerk*

I was chuckling while reading the No Lube statement and thinking of you, trying to rationalize our kink for the "pain is a good thing" camp.

[falling in the camp of TMI alongside Maygra's bruises]

Since lube is SO essential to me, I really hesitate to write it, even in rough sex, unless 1) character a is punishing character b, 2) character b begs for it and includes the phrase "fuck the lube," and 3) I'm writing with Maygra.
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Re: Sacrificing Lube for Drama since 1997 - brynwulf on January 21st, 2005 10:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
Sacrificing Lube for Drama since 1997 - maygra on January 21st, 2005 11:06 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 05:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - raveninthewind on January 21st, 2005 09:01 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 05:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Hel Virago: Fraserhelvirago on January 21st, 2005 06:01 am (UTC)
(Sorry -- while I may also adore maygra, I was intending to reply to your original post.)

Totally adore you. And also agree with pretty much everything you said.

What's with the resistance to lube, anyway? Seems to me some people need to discover the joys of lube in straight sex; then maybe they'd remember it when it comes to the slash.

The lovely thing about HP fandom is that you can just handwave things -- lube? well, how about a spell -- and everything's done quick and easy. Which makes it even less comprehensible that there are so many lubeless fucks in HP. Along the same lines, I understand why slash writers tend not to include enemas or the like, but really, one line about a cleansing spell in HP... ah, well. My peeve, clearly not the writer's.

And the word 'cum' drives me batshit insane. It's just such an oddly cutesy word. Like it belongs in a Prince song, or IM chat logs: "I'm gonna 2 mayk U cum, hoor."
the opposite of batmanpearl_o on January 21st, 2005 08:01 am (UTC)
What's with the resistance to lube, anyway? Seems to me some people need to discover the joys of lube in straight sex; then maybe they'd remember it when it comes to the slash.

You know, on a note only very very vaguely related to this? One of the random things that makes *me* go WTF on a lot of slash stories is the automatic assumption that lube = GAY GAY GAY. It makes me wonder if the authors actually realize that lubricant can be and *is* used for acts other than guy-on-guy anal sex.
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 05:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 05:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - z_rayne on January 24th, 2005 10:55 am (UTC) (Expand)
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tried to eat the safe banana: Drawthefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 05:44 pm (UTC)
Right there with you on the not-fathoming thing. I wish that I'd kept a list of all the Improbable Virginities I've encountered in my reading time, although I think the really horrendous ones - Angel and Keller, for example - are going to stay with me anyway.

I feel like I should write some kind of formula for determining the probability that a character is a virgin. I would be sure to include major deductions for past long-term relationships, biological children, and exceptionally long lives. Not to mention, of course, having sex in the canon. I mean, Keller gets a blowjob on camera, for Christ's sake! And as for Angel, well, his sex life was a major plot point for an entire season of Buffy! Arg.
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tried to eat the safe banana: Heartbeatthefourthvine on January 21st, 2005 05:47 pm (UTC)
And lately, my favourite pet peeve is the way a lot of writers put forward the idea that first-time sex is always great.

Oh Jesus yes. Yes, yes, yes. I could not agree more, and there are stories I love solely because they show a first time the way those things mostly go.

A related, though less noxious myth is that the first time having sex after a long hiatus is destined to be fantastic. I've never found that going without sex makes the sex better, and usually it's the opposite; for me, anyway, sex is something I want to, um, well, I'm not going to say "keep my hand in," so you'll just have to fill in the last part of the sentence yourself.
(no subject) - funwithrage on January 24th, 2005 02:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)